Ripples

    Admittedly, I should be sleeping, but my sleep schedule is all sorts of thrown off this week thanks to staying up late trying to finish stuff I, unfortunately, put off. Tomorrow will be no different and while I could be sleeping now, I feel too awake. I'll go to sleep before one, though, swear it. But my mind is working and I jsut have to get my thoughts out and there and all that good stuff.
    I know I'm nothing more than a small, insignificant person amongst the many people around, and that I am far from a special snowflake; I'm just me, I'm just here. Yet I also know I have had an impact in some people's lives, small and big. Big in a way like with one of my RL met friends and how back in seventh grade, I think, I stayed a week at her house over the summer because she hadn't wanted to be dealing with her mother over that time for certain reasons. Yes, I'm that kind of friend as strange as that may be. And then the small impacts that are with both my RL and SL friends with the fact I've just simply interacted with them, and the smallest interaction can change things drastically. Hell, I know that the few days I get compliments on how I look, from friends or otherwise, it boosts my confidence for the day, so even strangers can  make some sort of impact on people.
    Now, it's hard to say if I have had a big impact on some of my SL met friends, since it's harder to tell simply because I don't see them in the sense I can gauge reactions and the ripples things may or may not send through the rest of their lives. I like to think I've had a decently sized impact on some people simply by being there for them to talk to, if nothing else. I won't go around saying I've changed lives or anything, with any of my friends, but I know that is a possibility, even though I highly doubt I've managed that. I like to help people I care about, and I like to know that help has mattered. Of course I like to help people in general, which is why I aim to be a psychologist, but it means more to me when I can help people I care about; hence saying yes nearly immediately to staying at someone's house for a week.
    Every interaction, no matter how small, can cause ripples across someone's life, whether temporary or not, it has some sort of effect. That's one of the things that amazes me about human interaction; small things still matter. Of course closer relations and different situations cause for these ripples to be bigger and clearer, but that is something else all together. I know that people who wander about SL know to some degree this to be true, but the thing is if they ignore it or not. Some are assholes, like in RL, and don't' think twice about it simply because of the anonymity granted by the virtual. But there are also some truly wonderful people around, it's just a matter of finding them. I think I'm lucky enough to have a decent 'compass' that tells me if someone is worth my time or not, or if they'll screw me over or not, so I haven't really had the issue of people 'tricking' me in SL. I wouldn't say I'm too trusting, since it takes a while for me to trust someone, but who I give thought to even trusting to a slight degree is small, even as open as I can be, there's only so much I'll let people know until I feel something just click into place. I know, maybe this all sounds naive, but I don't care if it does.
     People have different values and lines they're willing to cross, of course, but, I think, that even with those things, there's still the possibility of a real, true connection in both worlds. People create boundaries because of being hurt or however in the past or simply to prevent things form ever happening to them, and while I'm all for breaking one's own set of rules every once in a while, it is understandable how certain things never are. I can't say I could describe whatever boundaries I have for either world, but I know I have some I would be uncomfortable breaking myself, even without me knowing what they are. And, I also know, my boundaries come from wanting to prevent things from happening. I want to prevent things that haven't happened yet because I am an emotional person as much as logical, so I would rather avoid hurt. Of course I also know that if I don't move pass whatever lines I have drawn for myself, I'll miss out on things. Probably it's easier for those who know their lines to decide if better to cross over or not in whatever situation, but I can't say if it is or not from experience, I fear.
     Boundaries, though, are another of those ripples people cause. In either the case of preemptive ones or ones that come from something having happened before, they are ripples. Pretty much everything comes from social interaction, and, as said, the virtual interactions cause just as big ripples as the ones in the so-called real world. If only people remembered how much they affected others, maybe there would be less hurt in the world. Well, maybe not less since there is still caring for others, and with caring comes worry and the wan to help, even if it would be impossible. And with worry comes inevitable hurt if things go badly for one or another reason. Or, if you're like me, hurt comes simply from clearly upsetting someone rather much who you care about. I've had times where I've done that, in both lives, and even thinking about it sends a pang through my heart, but it's those sorts of things you learn and grow from, those sorts of things that can make connections grow deeper if gotten passed, if not it can break them, too. But, so far, I've been lucky enough to only have things grow stronger.
    I could so very easily go into so much else about the interactions, the connections, the friends we make in both worlds and how one affects the other, but it's one and if I want to be up in five hours, best I get to sleep before it shrinks to less hours.

Coming Home

    Walking in the door with bags of clothes, toiletries, and whatever else. Some stuff you picked up along the way. Cold outside, warm inside. Dog running up to you like you've been gone for years and wanting to clearly monopolize your time, at least long enough to be sure you won't be leaving straight away again. Getting to your room, unpacking. Really truly being home once everything is back where it belongs....or tossed near it. Making sure to let some people know 'hey, I'm back. See ya in class/work/etc. tomorrow.'
    And logging in to Second Life and happening to see a friend or two before they log for the night and being able to talk to them, if only for a short bit.
    Home.



    I'm tired, yet here I am typing away and such. I don't know, but the lure of writing with pencil on paper, the sound and feel of it, as well as the sound and feel of typing are two completely different things. Both of which I have not done since Thursday, some on Friday. I feel withdrawal symptoms, or something near it as strange as that may sound. While I had a nice, interesting, exploring sort of weekend, I did miss some key things.
    I had my laptop with me and, while I could have used it on two of the nights probably, I didn't. Really just because it was late and the days were long, so i was tired and went to sleep right on the hard motel bed. Super fun. But, yea, so I missed some things. Like my friends. The ones in SL included. Now, that's not to say I was completely withdrawn from those ones, thanks to the wonderful thing called email. How people got along before it, I'll have no idea. I know I used it quite a bit this weekend. But such things, whether they be email or texting or whatever, they don't make up for the face-to-face contact, or, in the case of Second Life, the virtual contact. So, in a lot of ways, getting back in SL was a bit of a...coming home of sorts in it's own way. At least it was such a thing as I was able to do some IMing before there was logging, on their as well as my part. So, yea, I missed some people. Hard not to after being around one another for a long while. How I see it is that you can see who truly matters to you, by how much you miss them when you're away. Again, texting and other forms of communication put aside from the form. But...if you don't think of someone at least once, then they're not that close to your heart, at least not in most respects. I know there's a few people who I call friends simply for the sake of ease and not really meaning it as much as the word should mean, so, yes, I sadly do throw it around form time to time. But I also know who my real friends are, the ones who are near and dear to my heart that, if I could, I would have hugged them soon as I got home and said i missed you.
    Of course, as I type this, i realize I did say I miss you even though I was IMing missed people. Of course, I would hope, it would be known there was missing involved by some way and that that I'm not that hard to read on that front. If it is hard to tell then, to those who should know better: I missed you and I will tell you this tomorrow in IM, too!
    Like I said, being able to grab a friend in IM really did just add to my whole coming home feeling, even though i swear I only logged to clear out my notices. It was nice, unexpected, but...just made things good.
    If anyone ever takes a few days away from wherever, don't try and think on anyone, jsut let the thoughts of those people come to you. You'll see who truly matters, either by knowing them in RL or SL, by that simple thing, and, hopefully, you matter to whoever your thoughts go to as well.

Consequences

    Consequences. Life has them, yes? They word mostly has the connotation of being associated with bad happenings, but there can be good ones as well. Not the first thing to appear in most people's minds, perhaps, but they can be good at times. But I'm not so much wanting to write about the difference between the connotation and denotation of the word so much as various uses of this word.
    When it comes to the SL roleplay, dare I say, multiverse one of the main rules that's written basically everywhere is: IC actions, IC consequences. Or something similar to that if not that exactly. Now, of course OOC can get entangled at times, sometimes that can be good if it provides for a greater intensity, other times it leads to drama and people getting overly upset for your char insulting them or so. I'm talking about this because being someone who hates upsetting people I care about in RL, the possibility of ill consequences in roleplay leaves me at a sort of cliffhanger. At least it leaves me wondering and feeling kind of mopey for an hour or more, depending on the situation, afterward when it comes to roleplay with people who I connect with on an OOC level. If I don't know who you are, chances are I won't care that much and any of the IC feelings my character has will not translate to me for however temporary a time period. Usually, when something happens in RL/OOC with someone I care for, I can get rather stressed, probably the only thing that actually holds the potential to stress me out. So, as a result, i try to fix it however I can. i try to talk it out, try to get things smoothed enough that whatever guilt I have can be muffled, since it will never fully go away as I know I have upset someone I care for. I'm good with pretending things didn't happen, so that helps, too. And this one trait of mine, not the pretending things did not happen, seems to cross over to my main character; Armalla.
    The fact that follows her as well as myself, makes things...interesting and more like a book that just stops and you have to wait for some months for the next one to come out. (*waits impatiently for Silver Shadows to come out*) But, while I may only have to wait a day, it is different in the fact that there is a sort of connection there, to my character and the one who is usually involved in such situations. I am impatient and basically run thousands of scenarios through my head, wondering just which one will happen. I do that for a lot of things, but this is definitely one of those because it is a story, a cliffhanger, something that's just...having me bounce in place for the energy inside of me while I wait. And i know before anything even happens, Armalla will be thinking of hundreds upon hundreds of ways to fix whatever, even if not her fault directly.
     When it comes to consequences in roleplay, I don't like the bad ones. I don't like them because they make me feel bad for my character, the other character (which is really only ever the same one, he knows who he is,and I know he'll likely read this, too), and the other person. The other person because I know, at least when it comes to one person in particular, they have a certain connection to their character, too. So I just sit there like 'well, damn.' The current consequence that happened today has Malla stressing, and me wondering and feeling a bit bad. See, when it comes to these things, I know I'm like a little puppet master of sorts, but that I'm also only reacting, too. The current situation has to do with something that happened a while back and, while I didn't have to have any sort of consequence come from it, I did because it made sense. I didn't want to, because I knew that it could lead to two rather upset characters. And soon as I more or less made it official, sooner than I had originally planned to since I was still going back and forth on it, I felt bad. I wanted to hug Malla and, preemptively, hug Taeem, the other involved in this situation. I couldn't, but I wanted to. Of course I could have made it ten times worse, but I can't do that. Nope, I have to just do the bit that makes sense because of how long certain things went on and how often, too. I don't like it, but I had to go with what would probably happen if in RL. I feel awful for it, but it was a consequence that, to keep with sense and logic, more or less 'had' to happen.
    There are roleplayers who will not do anything whatsoever that could be thought of as 'bad'. They hate to 'lose'. They hate the possibility of their character not being all happy and peppy or however else they have planned. I'm not saying i try to play the victim, since people who want to always 'lose' are as bad as the ones who always want to 'win', but I don't care if Malla falls a few times. Okay, a lot if I'm honest with myself. A bunch of stuff has happened that has her so far from how she started that I sit and look back and am like 'well...that happened.' And it's not a bad thing, it's development. It seems to happen much quicker in roleplay than in RL, of course, but it still happens in RL none the less. I don't think it actually happens quicker in certain aspects, just it may be more noticeable. But if you look back tow or three years, are you truly the exact same person then as you are now? People seem to forget half the time that people change, and the things that make them fall can make them stronger in the long run. Maybe not always, but it holds potential.
    So I had to make a choice I did not like to make yesterday. I did it, because it was what I basically had 'planned' already. I knew there had to be some consequence because of something else that I didn't decide on so much as the roleplay decided for me, but I kept from the extreme because...well, because I couldn't do that. I couldn't do the extreme. While it isn't really known IC that the extreme didn't happen, I know and that assuages my guilt a little. I hate to do 'bad' things to my characters, whether in roleplay or my books, but sometimes the bad has to happen. It's like when people say 'it hurts me as much as you', the only difference being is that I mean it. I mean, it may not hurt to the same degree or for the same amount of time, but while I'm making whatever split second decision, it does. I'm strange like that, I guess, but I like to think it helps with my writing. I'm an emotional person, I'll admit that, so I think with them more than with logic.
    For any and all of the roleplayers who may read this, remember: always having things go how you plan, doesn't make for the better. Sometimes it's good to cry with your character as you breathe life into their words and actions. Sometimes the 'bad', can make the good seem so much better. I know that something else I have in mind will seem a whole lot brighter now that this 'bad' thing has happened. It would seem good enough without it, yes, but it'll mean more to the characters I do think.

Beauty's Changing Standards

    Elementary school had been all sorts of hell for me. Really it was only the first to sixth grade since my kindergarten class was awesome. But then I moved since the government peoples basically kicked all the people in our neighborhood from their homes and tore down the school to rebuild. So, yea, we moved and I more or less had to finish growing up in those six years following. I already was a bit more independent since my mom had gone straight back to work after I was born, had me do more stuff for myself, but with my brother...not so much. He was coddled, still is. Anyone who sees him can attest to that, so it is not as if I'm revealing some big secret. So he's got some growing up left to do even with him quickly approaching legal adult age.
    But back to my elementary school experience. I was bullied. A lot. Made of for my glasses (though people think glasses are so cool now :/ ), called 'emo' even though i had no idea what that was, called anorexic just because I was naturally slender, and crybaby. The last one was because I would cry when people made fun of me. I didn't know how else to deal with it, I just...cried. I told my mom about this I think...once, but nothing came of it. She worked at the school so she assumed the teachers would do something. They didn't. One even said, and i remember with crystal clarity, "She's only doing it for attention. Ignore her and she'll stop." I couldn't understand that at all, and it hurt (it still hurts) and I wanted to cry more. But I did stop. I stopped because all it did was have people make fun of me more. I cried when I was home and alone in my room instead. I had friends of sorts, but...the most weren't that great. The ones who I am still friends with today... I wish had spoken to them more about what some people were saying and doing, since I know they would have done something.
    I had one 'friend', though, and...she was mean to me. She was mean, and she even told me once that she did things just to get a reaction form me. I stopped hanging out with her so much after that.
    By the sixth grade, I had stopped caring because I had to. If I cared, I knew i would hurt. If I didn't put up a shield of apathy, I would hurt. Maybe it's not the best coping technique, but it was, and is, the best I had. Things got better once i forced myself to stop caring.
    The thing is, we all try to create these perfect images and, if someone falls out of that, what do we do? Ostracize them. So few stop and think of how the other person may feel. Some people, like that 'friend' of mine, are simply mean for the sake of it. Others? They're like that because you are different. Now this is before being different counted as 'cool', and, even now, different is 'bad'. People go about saying how awkward they are, how different, how unique, when, really, they're jsut like all the rest. If someone dares do something different, jokes will be made to force the person to conform. But why must we conform? If the new thing is to be different, why can we not accept people for who they are? Why do we still strive for this perfect image?
    Because we are human.
    As humans, we have an image of beauty set into our brains by our culture. And we try. We try until it breaks us, and we try again. Starving. Binging. Surgery. Hair coloring. Shopping for clothes and shoes. We do whatever it takes for that perfect image. And in the places where things are so easily gained through TV and computers? It makes it worse. The 'perfect' woman or man is plastered everywhere, and most likely photoshopped and airbrushed to death.
    All of this translates over to SL, too. The only difference is that, as a different culture in its own right, it has a different ideal body. Women? You've seen the Lolas. Men? Muscular as all hell. Of course there are other things applied to that standard for both, but that's the basic of it. It translates to the RL standards, too, but not to the same degree. Things vary between cultures, including the virtual ones. But it always that you have to have certain things otherwise be labeled some sort of way. Like now: Slink hands and feet. Most shoe makers, that I know of, tend to lean towards Slink only shoes. And god forbid you have hands in your picture if you have 'meat hands'.
    As time goes on, beauty and the ingroup changes. In RL: when I was little, wearing a scarf that I had from my Grandma was wrong. But by middle school? The 'popular' people were wearing scarves like mine in the same fashion. No one made fun of them. In SL: Slink hands and feet, two things that didn't exist some months back are now the standard. In either life, I don't care to 'keep up with the times' since those change so quickly, especially the virtual one. I prefer to wear and do what feels right to me, without any care as to what others are thinking. If I want to wear something, put my hair a certain way, then I'll do it. I don't care if it's not the 'thing' at the time. We all claim to be different, but we're all still the same.

Stress

    I know, another post, but I already said that I'm all thinking today. This is going to be so far from SL-related probably, but I...I don't know. Maybe it's something new that'll be an addition to this blog; non-sl stuff. I don't really talk to people and writing some things down that I don't care if others see or not is..I don't know. I'm more of a writer than a speaker, more of a listener than one who needs someone to listen.
    I finished the application for a college I desperately want to get into today. I won't know anything until January, but I have it finished. It's finished and... I hardly ever stress but I'm stressing over not getting in. It's like...this will be one more step into my future that I hope will be bright.
    And now I'm distracted because I've got Pirates of the Caribbean on TV and the multiple Jacks scene... God, I'm such a..I don't know, strange one?
    Uff, okay, right. College admission... I've never been top of my class, that has been my friends. In high school and onward, and this college is more private than open so... I don't know. I'm stressing for some reason and I can't help it. Stress is part of life, right? But I never, ever stress...unless it's about upsetting someone I care about. But otherwise? Nope, I am so stress-free it isn't funny. But soon as I start to stress, i get all panicky and anxious and...pfft...
    Maybe that's why I torture Malla so much. She gets all the stress I don't get so that I can work it out preemptively.

How real is it?

    I feel thoughtful today. I don't know why, just am and my thoughts have meandered to what is SL really? People put in their profiles all the time that SL and RL are two separate entities, and others put that SL is ingrained into their RL. So, which is right? Is one right and the other wrong? I guess it really depends how you present yourself in this virtual world. Is your pixel self you reflected? Or are the pixels just that, pixels? Are you honest to people you consider friends? Or is it all an act? How much do you divulge?
    Personally I think that, unless every last thing you type is a lie, you cannot completely separate yourself from your pixels. Feelings are real, even if the medium used for them is virtual. The friends you make can be as real and lasting as well as just as backstabby. Sure, SL time seems to move so differently than RL somehow, but it still is real.
    Do your pixels look like you? If yes, how much? Is this avatar your fantasy? Why do you have him/her look like they do?
    Then there's roleplay. Where are your lines? How bold are your lines? How bold are the lines other people draw? The person your character is married to, do both of you only play the love or is some of it real? Is that IC/OOC border more vague for you than the other? Vice versa? Where does the role start and end? Do you wish that you could truly have a relationship with the person, SL-wise or RL-wise, instead of just roleplaying one? Is there truth to what you play on your own and with others?
    So many questions to ask and think on when it comes to SL and how involved you are in it. So much is just...just...confusing if you think deeply. And what makes it all the worse is how some people don't want to admit some things to themselves that, if asked any of these questions, all the answers may be lies that they think truth.
    All of these questions? I don't know all of what my answers would be. It's freezing out, I have snugly pajamas and blanket...think I'm going to spend time on pondering them for myself.

Is it the dream we hold firmly onto come morning? 

It's a Jungle Out There

    I've known this for a while, but...I only started thinking much on it. Strangely because I found an elephant prop, but also because of some happenings today. But, SL, just like RL, is a place full of a variety of people; some good, some not so much. The only difference is, it may be a bit harder to tell the difference with the anonymity that the virtual world provides. Some people obviously just want to play their mind games, while others will just outright be cruel. Now, I've been lucky enough to not have to really deal with this type of thing, but I know some who have. It causes burnout and pushes good people from SL.
    Probably everyone is here to have fun, but some of those people's fun is not so much for others. The thing about the Internet is that it makes the world smaller. That is good in the fact that you meet some wonderful people, but not in that you can meet some awful people as well. I've met some of both kinds, but I haven't had anything really 'dramatic' with the latter. I'm only hoping I'm not jinxing myself here. The 'politics' of the realm changes from place to place; sometimes it's a power game (which happens on RP sims more often than not) and sometimes it's simply to make someone break. Second Life is so close to being like the real world in the aspect of how people act, yet some do not realize this and remain naive. There are the good and bad. There are those who honestly care and there are those who will drop you quickly.
    Things move quicker with the virtual realm it seems. That's...not really a good thing from my POV, since that can also lead to someone getting hurt faster. When I've scanned through profiles, I see people parterning and unparterning so often and so fast, it isn't funny. I know there are exceptions, but I'm simply basing off what I see. Relationships, friendly or romantic, take time. As it is, with the two who are my dearest friends I've met through SL, it took me...probably about 6 months before I actually spoke to one in a more 'friend' type way. And the other? Well, I'm not sure. We hadn't even IMed until maybe after a month or two that we were on each other's lists for roleplay purposes. In both cases, though, it took time. And that seems to be something that many forget. I know there are people who also take time like they would in real life, but...I've seen enough to know that many do not. Many do treat this as if it were a video game where there are only NPCs, maybe even forgetting their feelings in the process, and someone gets hurts. Even the ones who remember, there are enough who use the 'invisibility' given to them to just hurt people because they can change accounts whenever they'd like and never be bothered with it again.
    I'm hoping you keep this in mind and, please, do remember that SL is like RL which is definitely a jungle.

On a slightly lighter note: here's the elephant prop I found! :D