Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Paper Slips

    Gah, I was determined to get this up for the last day of National Poetry Month, but, well, I forgot about it until now. Still have fifteen or so minutes, so does still count yes? Maybe it's a bit of a, ah, not so happy poem, but I guess I was sad when I wrote it happens. But I like it anyway and working to get it up before midnight, so meh.

    Little slips of paper scattered all about.
    Not good enough.
    Don't cry.
    Can't help. Want.
    Try. Not good enough.
    Keep quiet.
    And more.
    Alone. Always.
    Take up all the papers, drop them into the bottle.
     Heavy weights drop.
    Forcing them to fit, sealing it tight.
    Bury, hide, don't let them see.
    Don't let them know.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Spring Renewal

    I like spring, so long as the weather is springy which is rare around where I live since we tend to skip from winter to summer straightaway. The only difference being that allergies still crop up during spring, no matter how warm. Thankfully at least SL has the appropriate weather, without pollen even. So, yes, I like spring and the newness of everything and seeing things grow and all that. But I don't usually tend to actually do the whole 'spring cleaning' thing, but I've started on that today. Bad habit of mine is to let clutter build in a corner and, even though i know where everything is and it isn't that bad, it's still a bit of an eyesore until I finally push myself to do something on it. To say I'm not domestic would probably be an understatement with how rare the mood to actually clean hits me.
    But I'm working on it yet. I figure it all comes back to my procrastination and all that, so that's a whole other thing to work on in and of itself. Still, I am trying. And this does translate to SL, too, in terms of my very cluttered inventory. I keep starting to sort stuff, delete stuff, but then I stop and it jsut becomes a jumbled mess again. I like to be organized, even if my organization is something only I can understand, it's still a sort of organization. I don't need other people to be able to easily find my stuff, so long as i can, I'm good.
    With spring actually seeming like spring, I am trying more than just spring cleaning as well. I have this list of things I've been carrying around in my wallet since new year's and, well, I haven't done quite a bit of it. I'm going to get a bit more into that now, I think. While it's a list of goals, it does still remind me of this superstition of sorts that I was told about by some speaker person in elementary school; basically write your wishes down on a piece of paper and keep it in your pocket/wallet so that it's near to you most times and it'll come true, just don't tell anybody what's on said list. While I'm not sure that actually works, keeping the list close does help me keep in mind what I'm aiming for before the end of the year. Some are more goal-like, and others are just me trying to be a better person. I know I'm not perfect, so may as well try to be better at least. Hopefully I'll get a few crossed off, if not all.
    But seeing as i have the time and probably shouldn't put it off but too much, I'm going to go see what I can do to tame my wild jungle of an inventory.

And just 'cause it's springy, here's a bird.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Dark Light

    Sort of related, as much as an epilogue would be to its story, to a short story that yet lacks a middle.

    My mother had been a Light. Pale hair and skin, golden eyes and markings, and the ability to create light from herself. The Lights that came about decades ago have started to dwindle, just like the more 'normal' sorts of lights. She died in an explosion of light, brought up by her expending her energy so far and trying to make things so bright... Things didn't go as she had hoped they would, the world did not start to become light again. In fact, I think it has grown darker. The stars are becoming lesser and it seems the world will be dark and cold, just as the Dark wants.
    People think that the Lights are the sparks of hope that had been unleashed from Pandora's Box, where this all started thanks to the Agency and a few idiots who went down there. My mother used to say that maybe I was the real hope, but also a possible way for the darkness that cloaks the world to grow. I used to look like a Light, but then I changed when I was little, or so my mother and Henry, someone else who didn't want to kill me on sight, claimed. Now my hair is raven black, my eyes midnight, and my markings pitch; I can absorb the Darklings, forgo food when I do, even. People fear me and hate me. Since my mother, Henry, and I  could never find a small group of humans to accept us, not even our own group, they built a small fort. I still live there. Thinking. Wondering.

    My mother said my father had loved star books and maps, even if he'd never seen a sky full of the various constellations he knew by heart. He wanted a starry sky, and my mother did as well. Henry wanted to see a bright blue sky again, since he was alive when the world became to darken, but he died much too soon for it. Part of me wants to bring the light back, if I can. Absorb the dark as much as I can, maybe...turn it all back against the center of all this. Overflow it with its own darkness. Or just try to take it all into myself. I might feel uncomfortable when the light would return, since I know my mother's spectacular death had ended up with me unconscious out for a long while. Henry told me I had been so for nearly a whole day. Light and I do not get along, simply put, and thankfully none of the Lights we had ever come upon actually acted on their threats of killing me as they do the Darklings.

    But...then there's the other part of me. The part of me that wants to have these people all get what they deserve. They turned us away, because they thought me a monster. I could help them if they had allowed me to. The creatures that attack them never attack me until it is too late. Part of me wants to release the darkness I have gathered onto them, darken the skies all the quicker. Somehow I can see the moon and sun in my mind, both casting shadows over the land and sea, even though I've seen neither before. I want to banish those images, banish the hope those people cling on to. 
    Part of me wants to damn them all.
    My mother used to call me a Dark Light, since I clearly wasn't a Light, but not human either. She used to call me that fondly, thinking I could help one day. Fondly, even though my name, Lucetta, means 'little light' and I could not, can not, live up to that name. I don't want to help. But I do want to give Mother and Henry what they wished for, if only after death. They deserve that, but the others don't. Perhaps when I find the center what I should do will just come to me and I'll know. Maybe I'll know when I see this twisted monster that had been unleashed, the thing that killed Zora, my mother.
    Doing either of my options will likely kill me, but I hope whichever I do chose will let me rest in peace.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

"Under God"

    Since I find this topic somewhat interesting and it is becoming a thing again, I don't see why not write on it.
    Recently, it seems there is a family going against a school system for the unconstitutionality of the phrase 'under God' in the pledge. Of course there are people saying it's a matter of choice for a child to say it or not (it really isn't) and that taking God out of schools and the public is causing more murders and blah blah blah. At least the latter is something I gained from scrolling through comments I saw when I happened to see this on Facebook, the news site doesn't have comments as far as I could tell. But, see, I did a paper on this recently for my government class and my English, as well, since I was lazy and figured why not just reuse this with some edits since one was persuasive, the other informative.
    I will make this perfectly clear; I believe the phrase in every which way, whether it be in the pledge or on currency, is in fact against the United States constitution's idea of separating church and state. For those of you who don't know, the phrase was only added in the 50's to make a 'statement' against the 'atheist communists' of Russia during the Cold War. I don't remember the exact quote, but that was stated at one point. It was also meant to show that America is religious, which is a blatant statement of mixing church and state. I'm not saying mixing church and state doesn't happen in other ways than the pledge, again I point out American dollars and coins, but this is a bit more of an issue considering that children, from five years and up, repeat this daily as they must by law.
    Yes, it is optional in theory, but in theory only. When I was a freshman in high school, I decided to not stand or speak during the pledge as my religious views were currently in flux and as well I was already starting to plan to move out of the United States once I am able. In middle school, I started only standing and being silent. But...I never could really sit during the pledge. Why? My teachers would point me out and tell me I had to stand. Because I felt so embarrassed, I didn't argue back, only stood. And when I would tell my mother about how I don't like standing for the pledge for a variety of reasons, she'd say I was being disrespectful. To me being disrespectful is...say you go to a middle eastern country, are a woman, and it's normal for women there to cover their hair, not doing so would count as disrespectful to me; not pledging to a flag doesn't seem to fit. Now, stomping on a flag, that is disrespectful. To be perfectly honest, I don't see how pledging to a piece of mass produced cloth means anything, but that's just me. I know, symbolism and all that, but...I just don't feel any sense of patriotism by pledging anything to a flag. But my real issue is the fact that I don't believe in the Christian god, as do many other Americans who don't fit this seeming norm. I just don't, and I don't want to be under Him. No thank you. I've got my blob of energy or my unnamed god and goddess.
    So, in practice the pledge is not optional thanks to societal pressures. People fail to see this. As well, one time the pledge was counted as unconstitutional, as found in the Newdow case, but that ruling was overturned because the child who the case was centered around was 'not in her father's custody', her father having been the one who made the complaint and was arguing the case. So. We have this very legal ruling overturned on a technicality? And people ignore this fact? They also ignore why the phrase was originally placed in the pledge? If I could find this information out with just a few keystrokes, I'm pretty sure anyone else could, too, if they took the time.
    It just bothers me that people think these cases are stupid and by people who are just being difficult. Sure, the people may just be wanting to stir up trouble, but they are not unjustified. The phrase, in any governmental use, is unconstitutional. The only reason the Supreme Court won't do a thing is because they don't want to become unpopular as they are there for life or on 'good behavior'; so basically until they die or retire or really screw up. It's silly, really. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with blending church and state, Shari'a (I hope that's the right spelling) law does it in the middle east, but when you have a country that sates in it's very framing that it shouldn't happen? Then, yes, I have a problem with it. Especially when we feel a need to tiptoe around things and open things for all religions because we have to give religious equality, but we do sneaky things like this that puts Christianity at the top of the tier. You can't have it both ways.
    I don't like the phrase in there, and not just because of it's unconstitutionality, but because of how it is mandated by law that it is recited. By children. Young, impressionable minds who might be Muslim, or who have atheist parents, are having to recite this over and over and maybe feel a sense of inferiority because they aren't part of the 'government approved' religion. They might feel that their religion isn't as valid because it is not in the pledge. Now, people might argue that Muslims and Jews believe in a monotheistic god as well, but they use a different name. Allah, Yahweh, not God. And, yes, the written pledge has god with a capital 'g', so therefore it can't be thought of as just 'any' deity.
    If the pledge was really optional, then, sure, I'd be not minding so much and I'm sure other groups wouldn't mind either, but with how society reacts if you don't stand, if you don't speak... It takes a strong person to not care. And, to be honest, if it wasn't for the fact that my mom cared about me at least standing, then I probably would have told the teachers to shove it in as nice a way as possible...which basically means arguing my point that it is optional, and that I'm not being disrespectful, I'm just honoring my own viewpoint. But that probably would have seen me as suspended, in school or out of school, so... The only plus for me is that I have open minded friends, Christian branched mind you, but they have always accepted my views and do understand, even if they don't always agree. So my friends were never a pressure for this is sort of thing.
    For now, though, I'll hush. I just had to get this out there since there is a new case and, while I highly doubt it'll go anywhere thanks to Christianity being so involved with the government (even if only off the books) and with how much of an uproar the citizens will cause thanks to ignorance and blindly following their faith without thinking of 'hey, maybe they're right that's it does not follow the law'. But those are my thoughts, as unpopular as they may be.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter

    So, while my Easter doesn't consist of much nowadays, it did when I was little and I like those memories. Today my Easter is...well, not much like I said. But memories are more so what this holds for me...and my own little silliness. Example being yesterday when I found out about a little Easter themed hunt:

    And in an Oz themed place even. Yes, there is a rainbow bunny there...and a bunny print dress... But in my defense the dress only came about cause it had been a prize form said hunt, so that makes it a bit better yes? No? Well, okay then...
    But this sort of thing jsut brings back memories of when I was little and would do egg hunts with my brother, and a couple years he and I with two of our friends. I remember adoring that, and it was always that the Easter bunny supposedly hid the eggs when we went to church. 'Course I ended up realizing either my dad did the hiding when we went, or they did it before we'd go. And whenever I think of Easter, besides bunnies and eggs and chocolate and jellybeans, I always think of palm reeds and water and incense. I don't think Palm Sunday is on Easter, but I know it's around there so I associate the two anyway. So, yes, some of my associations with the holiday are religious based, but that's just because of how I grew up; thankfully I'm not having to sit and smell incense today since that stuff was never my friend.
     And on the smoke note: any chance anyone who reads this knows exactly why the hell 4/20 is a thing? I mean, if ya smoke weed, you're probably going to do it more than just one day a year. And, honestly, having a specific day for that is just asking for places to have random drug tests the next day. Just saying. But I can't say much too against this since I know some people, more acquaintances than anything, who are taking this day for not only Easter.
     But, yea, I don't know if I actually said this before or not, but holidays have changed meanings the older you get. When you're a kid there's, usually, all this magic and wonder for whatever reason, but as you get older...not so much. But what you do have are the memories, which are hopefully good. Memories are important to hold on to, good and bad, since they make us who we are and shape our relationships. Maybe I put a lot into the merit of memories, but I'm glad to have this outlook. Really.
    So, to those of you celebrating, happy Easter :)

Thursday, April 17, 2014


    Sometimes I wonder how others would describe me. I know I can barely describe myself since there is an exception to nearly everything, but others may be able to pinpoint it better. As far as I know, it's easier for others to describe someone than it is for someone to describe themselves. Though how I would describe some people involves certain..exceptions, too, but, well. I know that I have some habits that, if people didn't know me, might irritate them otherwise; which is why I tend to be more quiet until I know someone. Really, in this case I mean how I am when I think to have upset someone, and how I might have a bit of an issue letting it go until I'm sure one way or the other. Things like that I can describe, but others, not so much. So sometimes I wonder how people perceive me, what they think I think of them, and other things like that.
    Perspective changes from person to person, and depending on the relationship one has with someone, that changes the perception even more. From casual to friendly to romantic and everything else, people see whoever differently for that reason. I try to keep that in mind when I meet people, try to not judge right away, so first impressions only mean but so much to me. It's the second and third meeting that matters to me. Maybe I'm strange for that, but with how you view someone and how that can change, it makes it difficult to just go off the first impression. So sometimes when my mind wanders, I think on how people who are closer to me see me, and if it's anything like how I see myself. Some people shape themselves and pretend to be someone they aren't in SL, which makes things all the more different if such is found out. I can't say much on why people would weave elaborate lies, other than maybe because they aren't happy with who they are or because they want to play games with people. I do wonder on that, but I can't really have anyone to ask on that, at least I really hope not. Maybe I'll put more thoughts up on that later, if I come up with some.

Thursday, April 10, 2014


    Admittedly, I should be sleeping, but my sleep schedule is all sorts of thrown off this week thanks to staying up late trying to finish stuff I, unfortunately, put off. Tomorrow will be no different and while I could be sleeping now, I feel too awake. I'll go to sleep before one, though, swear it. But my mind is working and I jsut have to get my thoughts out and there and all that good stuff.
    I know I'm nothing more than a small, insignificant person amongst the many people around, and that I am far from a special snowflake; I'm just me, I'm just here. Yet I also know I have had an impact in some people's lives, small and big. Big in a way like with one of my RL met friends and how back in seventh grade, I think, I stayed a week at her house over the summer because she hadn't wanted to be dealing with her mother over that time for certain reasons. Yes, I'm that kind of friend as strange as that may be. And then the small impacts that are with both my RL and SL friends with the fact I've just simply interacted with them, and the smallest interaction can change things drastically. Hell, I know that the few days I get compliments on how I look, from friends or otherwise, it boosts my confidence for the day, so even strangers can  make some sort of impact on people.
    Now, it's hard to say if I have had a big impact on some of my SL met friends, since it's harder to tell simply because I don't see them in the sense I can gauge reactions and the ripples things may or may not send through the rest of their lives. I like to think I've had a decently sized impact on some people simply by being there for them to talk to, if nothing else. I won't go around saying I've changed lives or anything, with any of my friends, but I know that is a possibility, even though I highly doubt I've managed that. I like to help people I care about, and I like to know that help has mattered. Of course I like to help people in general, which is why I aim to be a psychologist, but it means more to me when I can help people I care about; hence saying yes nearly immediately to staying at someone's house for a week.
    Every interaction, no matter how small, can cause ripples across someone's life, whether temporary or not, it has some sort of effect. That's one of the things that amazes me about human interaction; small things still matter. Of course closer relations and different situations cause for these ripples to be bigger and clearer, but that is something else all together. I know that people who wander about SL know to some degree this to be true, but the thing is if they ignore it or not. Some are assholes, like in RL, and don't' think twice about it simply because of the anonymity granted by the virtual. But there are also some truly wonderful people around, it's just a matter of finding them. I think I'm lucky enough to have a decent 'compass' that tells me if someone is worth my time or not, or if they'll screw me over or not, so I haven't really had the issue of people 'tricking' me in SL. I wouldn't say I'm too trusting, since it takes a while for me to trust someone, but who I give thought to even trusting to a slight degree is small, even as open as I can be, there's only so much I'll let people know until I feel something just click into place. I know, maybe this all sounds naive, but I don't care if it does.
     People have different values and lines they're willing to cross, of course, but, I think, that even with those things, there's still the possibility of a real, true connection in both worlds. People create boundaries because of being hurt or however in the past or simply to prevent things form ever happening to them, and while I'm all for breaking one's own set of rules every once in a while, it is understandable how certain things never are. I can't say I could describe whatever boundaries I have for either world, but I know I have some I would be uncomfortable breaking myself, even without me knowing what they are. And, I also know, my boundaries come from wanting to prevent things from happening. I want to prevent things that haven't happened yet because I am an emotional person as much as logical, so I would rather avoid hurt. Of course I also know that if I don't move pass whatever lines I have drawn for myself, I'll miss out on things. Probably it's easier for those who know their lines to decide if better to cross over or not in whatever situation, but I can't say if it is or not from experience, I fear.
     Boundaries, though, are another of those ripples people cause. In either the case of preemptive ones or ones that come from something having happened before, they are ripples. Pretty much everything comes from social interaction, and, as said, the virtual interactions cause just as big ripples as the ones in the so-called real world. If only people remembered how much they affected others, maybe there would be less hurt in the world. Well, maybe not less since there is still caring for others, and with caring comes worry and the wan to help, even if it would be impossible. And with worry comes inevitable hurt if things go badly for one or another reason. Or, if you're like me, hurt comes simply from clearly upsetting someone rather much who you care about. I've had times where I've done that, in both lives, and even thinking about it sends a pang through my heart, but it's those sorts of things you learn and grow from, those sorts of things that can make connections grow deeper if gotten passed, if not it can break them, too. But, so far, I've been lucky enough to only have things grow stronger.
    I could so very easily go into so much else about the interactions, the connections, the friends we make in both worlds and how one affects the other, but it's one and if I want to be up in five hours, best I get to sleep before it shrinks to less hours.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

The Time was Then

         If they knew what they would leave us, where they would leave us, would our ancestors have made the same choices? 
If they knew we'd be forever trapped behind indestructible bars, would they leave us out to die?

 If they knew what we know now, would they have thought of the now and not the future?
If they could see with our eyes, what would have become of us? Would our future be so bleak?
Did they imagine things would be better by clogging us with their ideas? 
Did they think we would be joyful when our world crumbled in our hands?

How could we free ourselves when the keys were long destroyed?
How could we speak and hope and dream when bars are all we know?
How could things change when we see nothing but our bars?

They kept saying we were their future.
They kept saying we would change things.
They kept denying the now had to be changed.
They passed it onto us.
Years and years and generations and generations; none thought.
Now we are all but prisoners in our minds and hearts and freedoms.
Now we are unable to enact change.
Now we cannot save ourselves for the choices of our ancestors.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


    So, I'm sitting here, not having gone to my one class of the day since my stomach still feels funny from last night, but not as bad at least. But I am still being productive, in a way, in other ways I'm procrastinating and moping a bit. I don't like change so much when I'm just dropped into it. It's like how you have to let fish get 'adjusted' to the water before letting them out of the bag into the tank; I have to adjust to things slowly otherwise it causes me to stress a bit. And come August I'm being dropped into a new tank, so to speak.
    Yesterday I got the accepted student guide for the college I'm moving to come the end of the summer and...maybe that's why my stomach is flipping? I don't know. I just know the thought makes me all...nervous. I'll be living in a dorm, obviously with another person, and in a..women's college aka all women, no guys, in one small school. Fun, right? I mean, I like small schools because otherwise I'd hide in my room 24/7,'s still a change. I know I'm going to have to work certain schedules out so I can still manage SL and jsut keep a little bit of my current daily life. I also don't want to lose contact with certain people, and even thinking of this is already having me tear up. I'm bad with certain things and talking to people directly on some things...maybe that's why I'm typing stuff here instead of poking anyone by email or IM. I'll do it. Sooner or later. And probably have wet eyes then, too.
    Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be going, and the financial aid is fucking fantastic (though loans suck since they need repayment sooner or later), not to mention the scholarship the school offers (I kind of forgot to actually apply for any...) but still. Classes and the work-study I'm in (only 7.5 hours a week, thankfully) and not to mention being in a dorm will...I know change some things. But I'm working on stuff so I can cling to a little bit of normality instead of having all the things gone in one fell swoop. Email is going to be my best friend for certain when it comes to some people I've met virtually, and texting and calls when it comes to my RL people who I'm leaving behind.
    What am I trying to say? Well, I don't want to fill out some online stuff I should be filling out (pretty sure one is a questionnaire to help match up roommates) because it makes me nervous, makes this all more real. I know it'l be okay and I have to adjust, as with other big changes I was dropped into, but...I want to keep something at least. In this case the most simple thing to keep will probably be SL and roleplay, if to a semi-lesser extent. Yea, I know, I should be talking to one or two people directly maybe, but...that makes me more nervous than anything else since, while they might not get all emotional, I know I will. Like now.
    And, yes, I know person I should maybe talk to is probably going to read this at one or another point, but, still...talking will have me say a whole lot more and I will likely end up crying. Thank god for the fact this stuff is hidden behind laptops right? Pfft...yea..I'll get to day...maybe near the end of the summer... Soon. Ish. Once I build up my courage.
    But now I'm rambling and really should just hush. So, hushing here and....just...yea...