Thursday, January 30, 2014


    I'm a lover of simple designs without extra, unneeded flourishes. But I don't do simple. Does that make sense at all? I mean, whenever I do something, be it a picture or a drawing or whatever, there is some background, some meaning, some story to it. Even if I only keep that in my head, it still has something behind it. Maybe others don't know what the meaning is, but I do. eludes e. I can make very simple designs, but it is not simple in essence. All of these musings are brought up because of a conversation on Flickr. See? Even conversations go beyond what is said! I'm hopeless, really, when it comes to this. I'm forever thinking, so maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe I'm trying to come up with something interesting when I personally am a rather run of the mill, normal, possibly boring person? I honestly have no idea.
    As i said, I love simple looks. Who needs rhinestones and glitter (though I do love glitter) when just the swirls of the lines are enough? One of my wishes is to get a tattoo at some or another point, and that will be simple as well. In looks only. It'll have some meaning and not just be 'because I can'. Simple looks, simple gestures, simple...anything can have such a deep meaning, the simplicity is blown away once that is revealed. I am going to try and see if I can take a simple picture, or do a simple drawing, or...something, but I' not sure I'll be able. Now, I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but I do not think it possible for me. I might be wrong, and it'll be interesting to see if I am or not, but....I don't know. I'm very bad at doing things 'just because', and, perhaps, that could be seen as a bad thing in some people's eyes, but it can't be that bad. I mean, this is also why I always say what I mean, so it ca't be thought I mean something else or have some meaning underlying it. I don't want people to become upset because they misconstrue my words; if they're going to be upset, I'd rather it be because of my actual meaning. So I say what I mean, and mean what I say...even if my wording is off. It's how I am: a lover of simple surfaces, but knowing there is so much more beneath the surface.


    It's late and I'm in that state where I could try to sleep, but if I did I wouldn't fall asleep for another hour. And since classes are canceled again for tomorrow, I'm letting my creative juices flow. So here's a little thing featuring Lauralie who may or may not be a maybe-minor-maybe-major char in some story or other I may or may not have <.< >.>

    Fuck. That's all that can describe this situation. Fuck.
    "Mark, baby, don't make me have to do this!," I shout, trying to get his heart pumping with my hands, tears rolling down my cheeks. This can't be happening, it can't I don't want to be alone with all the shit going on! How can things have changed so quickly? Only some weeks ago we were riding across the country on his motorcycle. How could things have gone to hell so quickly?
    I try some minutes more before I sit back onto the cave floor, pushing my hands through my hair. I don't want to do it. He's supposed to live. He promised. I push my tongue against one of my snake bite piercings as I think, but there's nothing to think about. I don't know how long it'll take, and all i can go off of for this are the movies I used to watch. But if those are anything to go off of... Oh God, Mark... He's a big stereotypical-looking biker, again in looks only, so how could this have happened? he's big and scary looking to most...this... Oh God...
    I shake my head unwillingly but take up the pistol I had set near him. "Babe, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...," I whisper, feeling my heart split into an infinite amount of pieces as I pull the trigger, aimed for his head. Slowly I open my eyes, not having realized I closed them, but quickly turn away, feeling sick. I want to sit here and sob, nothing else. But I know I can't. I know it. I have to go, like we planned. I have to go and find people. Find a group. Find...find something. See if those Safe Zones are worth anything.
    Somehow I find myself outside the cave and walking. Walking to the river we've been using as a water source. I kneel down, feeling my already cut up legs scrape against the stone. I need pants, not a mini skirt. Need to find some. Cup some of the flowing water in my hands and drink. Water is life, right? But I feel so empty it seems to not matter...
    Alone. I don't plan things, but I never in a million years dreamed this would happen... Why did this have to happen? Why did... It's all my fault. I know it is. I..thought we could grab a bit more before leaving... I thought... We couldn't... We couldn't... I thought...
    I was stupid and now Mark is dead. I want to just lay here and not care who or what happens on me. I jsut want to give up. I can't, though. We had a plan. We promised each other that, if the other were to die, the living one would go on with the plan. The world has enough dead people in it.
    The sound of something banging on metal draws my attention upwards and over the small river. I think to see a young man, maybe about my age, banging on something in the ground, shouting something I can't quite make out. Dude's gonna get himself killed with all that shouting.
    Find people. That was what Mark and I were going to do. There's a person..and I found him... I'll do what I can only 'cause it was the plan, and, now, I have nothing other than a plan. Plans are good, even if i haven't had 'em before.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Human Condition

    The human condition has been termed and interpreted in so many ways. Various aspects are thought of and wondered about, but enough can't always be certain that certain things are across all humans. Really, the human condition is just...random... We're emotional creatures, who try to fight that emotion with logic. Which wins out? At least in my case, emotion does. There are some who can override emotion with logic, then there are those who simply are incapable of feeling any emotion; the latter being sociopaths, so I won't go too much into that. But for people like me, emotion wins out...roughly 90% percent or more of the time.
    Little things can bring people down when they're in a low mood. Little things can stack up until they topple over and cause someone to fall down into a bad mood. Logic can tell someone to not worry since it', you can't do anything for it. But emotion? Well that's the bitch that makes things difficult depending on what level you feel things. Some people can hide behind a shield of apathy, but have little things that can make the feelings of guilt and remorse resurface. Some only have that issue when it comes to people they care about. Long days can make some who already feel not so great feel worse. Things not working out, can make people feel awful. Life just...going on and being life as it is, can make people slip and fall however low they may go.
    This is not about depression, but of simple low points that people feel at times. It hurts, but it's just how things are. If you're a logical person, good for you, glad you can override whatever. If you never feel low points, congrats. But for people who can slip into funks that last a couple days, maybe a week or so, that's life. Knowing that doesn't make things better, but so long as the knowledge that it will pass, that you can get on out of that pit of sadness or whatever soon, that, if you upset someone in a generally minor way (like saying something not too detrimental, not...saying they should kill themselves and honestly meaning it, or, hell, even not meaning it) that they will get pass that, too, so you don't have to feel guilty anymore. And always remember the bright spots there; be it seeing and laughing with friends, or just taking some time to relax on your own.
    I'm not an optimist by any means, but hope is something that is part of the human condition, I think. You need hope to tell you that things will pass, that you won't want to curl up in a corner someplace for the rest of your life, that...whatever surrounds you is not permanent. If it weren't for hope, everyone would fall into serious depression, not just bad moods. Hope is the line between being broken and being held together.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


    I sometimes wonder just how many people feel a empathy with their characters in roleplay. I know I do, an if only because I've sat here before, crying and typing simultaneously. But crying not because I'm sad, but because I feel for the character, namely Armalla in this case since the other hasn't really been crying yet. Yet. But arguably she's more emotionally stable in certain aspects, so that's probably why. Still, I feel for these two: the married mother of two half-elf, and whichever incarnation of Ryleah. (I don't include Nevi in this because she's...a work in progress, i guess, being a child still.) I've always liked to think I have a decent empathy level and a higher emotional intelligence - both only assumptions except for the latter since recently - so that could have something to do with it, but I'm not sure. To really truly be able to type well for whoever you 'become' for however long, don't you have to connect on some sort of emotional level? After a certain roleplay ends...does it leave you feeling some sort of way for a short while? Like...if something ends a bit sad, do you feel melancholy? If it ends on a happy note, is there some sort of happiness in you? It works that way for me at least. And, yes, the reason I've got these thoughts is because of how I was left with something of a melancholy feeling today.
Shhh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't.
    Another reason for these thoughts is because I posted two pics on flickr and ended up easily putting the thoughts of the two chars pictured as the 'description'. Eve when I'm not typing for whoever, I can still flip a switch and have their thoughts. Is that weird? Am I the only one with that simple chamber in my brain labeled with their names? It's as easy as if I were to open a door to a room called 'Armalla' and another 'Ryleah'. Weird or are their others?
    Maybe it's because I have the mind of a writer (even though I haven't finished writing any story 'cause I get too many ideas and have to write whatever down, even if it's totally unrelated and a different story all together) and that's why I am able to just think their thoughts? It only takes me but a second to think of what Ry might be thinking around this moment or just after her day's end. Then for Malla, even though i didn't play as her today, doesn't take long either. It makes more sense for Malla since I've been playing as her for a couple years now, and Ry...well...I can't explain the ease with which she comes. Like I said, maybe it's just because I have a creative mind? or it is falling into the empathy? I think maybe more so the empathy since if you understand someone's emotions, you can guess at their thinking, their motives. Maybe it's all only to an extent, but it makes sense doesn't it? If you can feel a strong sort of empathy towards someone, you can understand them; that goes for roleplay characters, too.
    I know, I know, 'they're not real' 'they don't feel', but don't they to an extent? Maybe it's something that could be easily wiped away if you as the typist chose for it to be...but don't they yet have feelings? Maybe not like the real person typing for them, but there's still some form of it. Does whatever character you have react jsut as you would in a situation? I know sure as hell Malla cries more openly than I do plus other issues. Ry on the other hand...apathy seems to be her defense mechanism, so I can relate on that note, but...she's still more open and outgoing than I am. I think she might also feel more fiercely than I do, which is a scary thought since I thought that when I feel strongly for something/someone, I feel strongly for it/them...but that's still a 'we shall see' thing.
    Okay, maybe I'm crazy, but this is how I see it. When it comes down to it, if you can empathize with your character, it'll work wonderfully...if have you unable to see your keyboard. But it certainly gives more to whatever experience, sad or otherwise, and I like it. Crazy or not, I'm all for it.
Just wait a bit longer.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

January 12th

    Is it strange I want to skip over today and head straight into tomorrow? I'm looking forward to tomorrow because of one reason, really, but shouldn't I want today to last? I'm another year older today...and I don't hate my birthday, but I don't love it either. It's more of a... 'oh, it's my birthday? Eh, feels like a normal day to me'. Pfft, I'm really very awkward in that matter, i guess, but i'm awkward in a lot of things, too. Then again not much is done on my birthday anyway, so that might play into it a bit. I don't know, I just know it's another year added to me and all the more reason to work on the list of things to do/change I made for this year.
    Age is something that matters so little on the internet unless you chose to divulge it. You can guess to a certain extent, but otherwise it's all just theory. And SL is one of those places that attracts people from all ages, even those who aren't really 'supposed' to be on here. It happens, so...age is...really relative. Personally I'm all for age being a little teeny tiny thing, but I'm really starting to think I'm the only one of that opinion... Eh, well I'm opinionated as it is, so this would not be new lol But when you take that anonymity that Sl offers and think about that in regards to...anything..and if you think of how if that one specific thing were to apply in RL, it can give you some new thoughts. Of course it has its stereotypes and various other bad things, but there are plenty of things that makes it a bit more 'open' than in RL. Maybe only more open-minded people run about in the virtual world? I don't know, could be. Nothing is perfect, but certain small aspects can have you wonder if they should be applied elsewhere. At least it has me think and wonder about the various operations of both worlds and what works and what doesn't and how important things should or should not be... Comparing two thing side by side really can just make some things see questionable.