Wednesday, March 26, 2014


    I hate Microsoft and Windows. Especially Windows 8. I'm just done with it since, apparently, you can't print things or use any of the little 'app' things (not that I want to anyway, but still) unless you keep Internet Explorer as your default browser, and, if you change it, you have to do complicated stuff to fix it. I'm not. I'm ignoring it and will use my old laptop to print. I don't care. I'm on strike. Internet Explorer screwed me once, so I have been done with it a long while and Windows/Microsoft...that has been a slow growing hate... But I'm done now.
    And that rant is not my reason fro typing, believe it or not, but it's something totally different. I just had to get that out so I don't end up trying to murmur my laptop, which I love 'cause of eh graphics, just haven't figured how to clear my RAM out so I can, hopefully, be able to use shadows and such again. If not, atmospheric shaders is still a step up.
To add a bit of break between rant and actual talking ;) And it sorta fits, too.

    Anyway, my point for this typing is more or less religion. In my humanities class, we are speaking some on religion, mainly Christianity, Judaism, and Islam as they are all the three 'big' ones. As well, when a friend and I were talking we someone got on religion and she mentioned she tends to think herself more of an atheist, though she doesn't like to use that word because of the bad connotation given it to it, in this case mainly by someone who we've both known and tolerated since middle school. Later in the day, I also overheard that Gokuism (sp?) and Jedism (sp?) are actual religions. The former I heard too much about today and find it a bit ridiculous since it's based off anime characters, but the latter...don't know anything and the 'teachings' hopefully are more just along the line the 'religion' the movies have and not praying to Lord Yoda. But back to the conversation with my friend, some others who I talk to were around, too, and one was a Baptist, the 'usual' in my area, another...I want to say Methodist. I don't thinks eh really said. Various forms of Christianity are the main things where I live, though there are some Islamic people and Jewish as well. Then, of course, agnostic ad atheist.
    Whenever people speak of their own religion, I tend to sit there, nodding along and putting out ideas. But I don't say what I am, since I don't think I'm anything, really. I'm a bit of a romantic who would love to believe their is some sort of afterlife instead of dirt or ash, but I don't know. I honestly don't know. I have vague beliefs, but I do tend to amend with 'but I might be wrong' because I could be very wrong. One of the things I do firmly believe is that there is no Hell. If it gets worse than now, I don't want to know, honestly. My parents have sort of put the idea in my head that, if there is a Heaven, Hell, and Limbo, then we, the living, are in Limbo. I can see where they come from, as both are Catholic if not church-going. I can see their point of view, but I still don't believe in a Hell. But I might be wrong. You never know this until you are dead.
    But when I am pressed to tell people what my religion is, I could say I identify with paganism. Not any specific form of it, but just the general idea of it. I will admit, I...tried to fit my own beliefs into Wicca, didn't exactly click somehow. I'm too lazy to do rituals perhaps. But I can say I identify with this...umbrella term simply because of the semi-beliefs I've held my whole life. And the only reason i really know of this being a possibility is because of a friend I had in elementary school who told me she was Wiccan and a general idea of it and books, the House of Night series in this case. I wrote briefly about my own religious dives here but this is, clearly, more into what I count myself. I'm open enough to put this out there because I don't care what people think of me for it, especially since I'm not even just one religion because of the fact I will often admit I might be wrong, that I'm probably wrong, even.
    So, of course, as I got older and questioned things, my own beliefs clashing with Roman Catholic ones, it was a short jump for me to find that they did in fact line up with paganistic beliefs. I think that, if there is a deity someplace, then there is either a man and a woman, or a sexless ball of energy. And, in either case, neither is good nor evil, just there and won't do a thing for you unless you get up off your ass and do something to help, then they or it might give a small nudge. I also believe that if there is an afterlife, then either we 'become' shapeless balls of whatever energy, souls if you rather, we have in us, or we have vague shapes that only show our gender. I also like to think that those connected strongly in life somehow pair or group up because their energy is just so in sync and kind of...float along with one another. The last bit is definitely showing my love for fantasy and romanticism, I know. But...I also believe reincarnation may be a thing. Maybe when we die, we either stay in our energy forms or we come back and give it another go, still reconnecting with those who matter to us. But I don't believe if you screw up in one life you'll turn into a snail; you are what you are, if having a different look. I like to believe in karma in a sense, not the definitive sense, but closer tot he three-fold rule of Wicca; basically whatever you do, comes back three fold. In this life, of course. I also like to follow the whole 'if ye harm none, thy will be done' or some wording similar to that, but I like to think that has some hold on something simply makes good moral sense to me.
    I know, I could possibly call myself agnostic because of all my guessing and not 'knowing', but the certain things like how I believe the energy around us can be manipulated to a certain extent, not talking about making huge waves out of a lake. Perhaps I could count as agnostic-pagan? I don't know. I don't know what to call myself nor if there is a higher power or any thought to be given to sin or if baptizing is pointless or if Shiva the Destroyer is real. I don't know anything, but I like to have my own vague ideas. I like to think there is more after we die, if only because I love fantasy and magic and...there being more out there. I don't want to imagine that we drop, are shoved in a hole or burned, and...that's it. Life is an amazing thing that...I don't see how anything 'just' dies. Maybe I'm being naive and silly, but at least I can admit I'm wrong, even if I like to think there is more.
    I think life itself is proof enough. I'm not disputing any scientific facts, I love science, but...there has to be more to us than our brain functions that cause our personality and intelligence and...decide where our hearts go. Like I said, maybe I'm naive to think there is, but I do hope there is even if it's not what I sort of believe in, I hope there is more. Except for Hell, I don't really want to be wrong on that one. I'm fine with that not existing.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Mesh Surgery

    To keep myself from getting all bent out of shape over something small (well, more bent out of shape), I think I will write about something entirely random. Well, not entirely random. My frustration always comes at once, never in small spurts at little or big things, but all at once and usually for a little reason, which sucks...but it's how I seem to work. But it passes so long as I stop thinking over it for long enough. Writing is a sort of therapy, a distraction, whatever you wish to call it, for me. And since people are sleeping, blog-writing and/or story writing really are my only options. So...cue my rambling...
    As the title says, this is about mesh. SL does have its own version of plastic surgery, only less costly and not as painful and it actually makes things look better in some cases. In other cases...well...I'm undecided. Mesh body parts in this case. A friend and I were talking about some various parts and our own opinions on them. Now, I can understand, to a certain extent, the want for them, but most of them...I don't think I would use myself for various reasons.
    Mesh Feet: I like them. I use them. They look a lot less blocky than the default ones. I don't need shoes, so I'm content with these.
    Slink Feet: Now, I list these on their own since they are different. The fact that they can blend a bit better to the legs and have shoes for them, is a plus, so I can understand the want of them. Afterall, they also look less blocky.
    Slink Hands: Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say I caved, but just happened for me to end up with some. How do such things just happen? They just do :P And, yes, I do like them because they do look nicer and they do blend nicely, sometimes. I say sometimes because my friend tried to match them with one of his skins...and it didn't work. Of course there was the fact, too, that there were no appliers, but still. Seems appliers may be more needed for male hands than female, at least that's speculated. Either way, I like them rather much since they are smoother and...just generally nicer. And, I also know, plenty of people already know all this, but, hey, I'm allowed to be late with this :P
    Mesh Heads: I know Slink just released one and that many people are fawning over it but...I don't get mesh heads in general. You only get so many options, so your face looks the same as everyone else's. I mean, some of the expressions look interesting and there is some customization, but...still. I don't feel it with them.
    Mesh Mouths: I have no words since I haven't really seen any...but I don't see the point. Isn't your mouth good enough?
    Mesh Breasts: If you want a fuller look, makes sense, I guess. But...I don't' get much of the point since, unless you have a habit of running around naked, you're covered anyway. I mean, they might be good for no clothes...but with? Eh...not seeing it.
    Mesh Asses: I know of two; the cute azz and the phat azz (think I spelled those right), and...even with the smaller, more 'normal' sized one...I'm not sure I see it. Okay, as was pointed out to me the shape is better than the default. But, with mesh clothes, there are few times people are wearing system layers lately. So it is not as if you really get to see it or anything anyway. I will go with there is some point, but...only so much.
    I know there's also mesh eyes, but I don't think much needs to be said on those since...well, they're eyes and not a 'big', applier-needing thing. I also put them on par with hair and clothes. So, yes, those are at least a summary of my thoughts, what I can word decently, at least, on the various parts. There's more in my head and I am not afraid to change my opinions, but as it stands...only certain things seem to have reason for everyday use; hands and feet really. The hands and feet I get, but the's usually covered, so...still iffy. Probably would have to actually try and see the others but...I'm not in much of a rush to. Of course I hadn't been in a rush to try the Slink hands...and look what happened there. Though, in this case, I can blame someone for this...but blame may not be the right word, as I am happy with my new hands as strange as that sounds.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Coming Home

    Walking in the door with bags of clothes, toiletries, and whatever else. Some stuff you picked up along the way. Cold outside, warm inside. Dog running up to you like you've been gone for years and wanting to clearly monopolize your time, at least long enough to be sure you won't be leaving straight away again. Getting to your room, unpacking. Really truly being home once everything is back where it belongs....or tossed near it. Making sure to let some people know 'hey, I'm back. See ya in class/work/etc. tomorrow.'
    And logging in to Second Life and happening to see a friend or two before they log for the night and being able to talk to them, if only for a short bit.

    I'm tired, yet here I am typing away and such. I don't know, but the lure of writing with pencil on paper, the sound and feel of it, as well as the sound and feel of typing are two completely different things. Both of which I have not done since Thursday, some on Friday. I feel withdrawal symptoms, or something near it as strange as that may sound. While I had a nice, interesting, exploring sort of weekend, I did miss some key things.
    I had my laptop with me and, while I could have used it on two of the nights probably, I didn't. Really just because it was late and the days were long, so i was tired and went to sleep right on the hard motel bed. Super fun. But, yea, so I missed some things. Like my friends. The ones in SL included. Now, that's not to say I was completely withdrawn from those ones, thanks to the wonderful thing called email. How people got along before it, I'll have no idea. I know I used it quite a bit this weekend. But such things, whether they be email or texting or whatever, they don't make up for the face-to-face contact, or, in the case of Second Life, the virtual contact. So, in a lot of ways, getting back in SL was a bit of a...coming home of sorts in it's own way. At least it was such a thing as I was able to do some IMing before there was logging, on their as well as my part. So, yea, I missed some people. Hard not to after being around one another for a long while. How I see it is that you can see who truly matters to you, by how much you miss them when you're away. Again, texting and other forms of communication put aside from the form. But...if you don't think of someone at least once, then they're not that close to your heart, at least not in most respects. I know there's a few people who I call friends simply for the sake of ease and not really meaning it as much as the word should mean, so, yes, I sadly do throw it around form time to time. But I also know who my real friends are, the ones who are near and dear to my heart that, if I could, I would have hugged them soon as I got home and said i missed you.
    Of course, as I type this, i realize I did say I miss you even though I was IMing missed people. Of course, I would hope, it would be known there was missing involved by some way and that that I'm not that hard to read on that front. If it is hard to tell then, to those who should know better: I missed you and I will tell you this tomorrow in IM, too!
    Like I said, being able to grab a friend in IM really did just add to my whole coming home feeling, even though i swear I only logged to clear out my notices. It was nice, unexpected, but...just made things good.
    If anyone ever takes a few days away from wherever, don't try and think on anyone, jsut let the thoughts of those people come to you. You'll see who truly matters, either by knowing them in RL or SL, by that simple thing, and, hopefully, you matter to whoever your thoughts go to as well.

Friday, March 14, 2014


    I've been somewhat uninspired when ti comes to just normal, deep thoughts. When it comes to any RP char, I've got plenty for least for their thoughts. As it is, I keep wanting to type more for Ry (her modern version) so she might end up with her own blog when I'm done with this, depends if I've got time still for that today, otherwise might be alter. Don't know yet. But, yes, uninspired, much like Charcoal seems to be atm.
Guess he doesn't want pets before I leave, poor thing might be deprived until I return :P
    Though I have been thinking and I feel like writing right now, so here's this: why do some people shy away form extremes while others do not? Personally, I know I tend to negate myself somewhat by adding 'maybe' and 'slightly' to a lot of things, and do not forget how I often say 'whatever you want, doesn't matter to me' when people ask me to make decisions that impact them as well. In one case, I don't want to decide anything major that will affect someone as much as myself, even down to food choices I'm that bad, and in the goes to the fact I tend to stay away form extreme anything. I mean, if someone convinces me to do something with them, I'l do it and probably be glad I did later, but on my own? Don't expect me to chose to go bungie jumping on my own. The reasons for my thoughts goes back to this post in a sense. My bad time at making decisions unless I absolutely have to and my avoidance of extremes, and therefore risks as well, is basically also where this all comes from.
    Someone had made a choice that I couldn't make myself because I'd have felt too awful for that for a few reasons, and because I thought leaving the possibility open would be nice. But mostly because it was a decision that would affect me and someone else, even if only IC really, and because it was one of those extreme things. Now, in theory, there's a chance that, since it came from him, it could be turned back since the reasoning is rather different from what my own would have been. Don't know how he's got this in his head and how it's working, so it may be something that could be changed back or it is permanent. No idea on my end. If the theory of it being able to change back because something or other happens is in fact true, then it makes sense why he was able to do what I couldn't. But, if that is wrong, then...hell, I applaud him being able to do the logical thing. I couldn't because of the uncertainty and I'm still awful with such decisions, but I have gotten better with that kind of thing over the years. I'm not as indecisive, but I'm still not so good with it either. Strangely, even with my dislike of risks, I never have backup plans. I have one plan, as rare as my having a plan is, and I stick to it. I don't like risks, but I don't have backups...don't know the sense there.
    So, really, what is it that makes some able to go to an extreme while others, like myself, stay far away form it? Is it jsut that is resembles risk and it is a feared thing in most cases? Or is it just logicless and some are wired to be able to do and chose certain things that others cannot? I have no idea. I'd like to know, so maybe I can get myself to more easily jump off the theoretical edge and dive into whatever without so much hesitation. Even the small thing I had chosen instead of a large extreme from a while back and that post linked to took a lot of thought and I was tempted to change my mind. Where does the hesitation come from? Why is it easier for some?
    Like I said, I'd like to know, but I don't as of the moment.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Ryleah: Talks

    I'm in some state of half-consciousness in the backseat of Lily's Neon, Jess upfront with her and Erin in the back with me. Somehow it ended up that we're all staying at Lily's tonight. I happened to mention I don't feel like being alone for a few reasons, and then suddenly we're all piling into Lily's car after she and I got off work. Jess and Erin had hung around the club, near the bar with me, while waiting; the latter having seemed rather out of place with her bookish tendencies. Poor thing.
    Briefly a face framed by black hair with blue eyes swims up from the back of my mind, chills going down my spine. I keep seeing that guy in the club whenever I have a shift, and at random other places, too. I don't know why, but I've got a bad feeling. Which is why I don't want to be alone tonight. Anis may be like some guardian angel for all I know, watching from afar, which isn't as creepy as it sounds, but still. Sure I can protect myself and all that, but if he's from... I'd rather not think along those lines.
    The car jerks to a stop, causing me to snap forward, awake suddenly. "Damn it Lily! Learn to not give me whiplash!," I call, glaring at the back of her head. She only smiles back to me, perfect smile and all, through the rearview mirror. Maybe I'm snappy and tired, but that's because of what I had to do before serving drinks tonight. Quickly the images and sounds of earlier in the day run through my mind. Bright flashes, Shouts, Slipping through a skylight. Picking a lock. Slipping inside, burning some files. Reading mine. Keeping some. Slipping back through the skylight as the shouts got nearer to me. Having to set someone's pants on fire, so they didn't grab me. And fleeing with some others, the files hidden in my coat.
    "C'mon, we're here sleepyhead," Erin whispers to me, tugging on my sleeve with a small smile. She's a sweet girl, in college or medical something. I don't remember, she's just smart, and looks it. Whereas Lily is curvy and blonde and basically what could be plastered on every dirty magazine ever, Erin is that usual, mildly socially awkward girl. Her skin is a mix between Filipino and white, I think, and her hair is wavy and black, purple rimmed glasses forever perched on her nose. She's going places. Why she's friends with Lily...well, I can only assume Erin has a bit of a wild side buried under there someplace.
    She and I step out of the car, Jess and Lily already outside and chatting. Now, Jess is different in looks form all of us; tall, athletic, and dark skinned. She has black hair pretty much always tied into a pony-tail, and light brown eyes. Her eyes probably the only similarity that connects any of us physically, and, even then, her eyes only faintly match Erin's deep brown ones. Lily is blue-eyed and I'm the special honey-eyed one. Basically it's like a bunch of people were thrown into a bag, and all of us just ended up pulled out at the same time. Our appearances only give hint to the personality differences.
    All four of us head up to the building and the elevator, the three talking about something or other I only nod and grunt at, my mind most certainly elsewhere. I keep wanting to text him, see if he wants to meet up, but...I don't know. I could, alternatively, jsut drop by, but with my luck he'd be entangled with god knows who. I shiver at the mental image in my head.
    Once the elevator dings and the doors glide open, we all step out and go down to Lily's room, but I make a quick stop to feed and stroke Charcoal, before joining them. Of course soon as I walk in, I realized I should've grabbed something to sleep in, but by that point a shirt is being pelted at me. "Always forgetful. I blame your southern blood," Lily teases, her New Yorker accent thick. Erin, Lily, and even Jess who has a British accent of all things, claim I 'speak' southern. So what if I say 'y'all' form time to time? I haven't been in the south since a long while.
    I only roll my eyes and walk over to the bed to strip down and pull the shirt on that, for me, is large. Lily isn't overweight, she's jsut curvy and definitely bigger than I am. Erin's in the same boat, and Jess almost is, except she's really tall. "Remind me why I agreed to this?"
    "Because," Jess says, dropping onto the red covered bed. "you worry about some guy stalking you and want our awesome protection."
     "I have a gun, hun, a stalker isn't any worry of mine," I point out, gesturing to the gun I just set on the bed after changing.
     "And I have pepper spray, just incase. Not sure I could use a gun," Erin pipes in.
     "Help to have at least one lesson from...ah, someone," I murmur, sighing and taking the gun up to go stick it in one of Lily's drawers, wrinkling my nose at the contents of the first one. "I do not wanna know what kinda guys you bring home, Lily," I call to her as she puts something int eh microwave and I stick my gun into he second, much less disturbing drawer.
    She laughs. "The fun ones! Got to have someone to warm my bed at night, and if they've got some kinks, well," she shrugs a shoulder, the smell and sound of popcorn filling the apartment. "I can only do my best to oblige. And, hey, it's not always guys," she adds quickly, smirking a bit.
     The three of us sitting on the bed roll our eyes collectively, "Not into orgies or women," we say, laughing briefly at the unison of it.
    "Missing out," she singsongs, prancing over to set the bowl down before going to look about for something to drink, I assume.
     "You know, you never did tell us why you think he's stalking you. Hell, not even where you're from really, Ry. What's up with that?," Jess asks randomly, pulling one of the fluffy pink pillows to her chest. Erin tilts her head, looking to me curiously, and Lily comes over with three beer bottles and one bottle of water, for Erin. It's not that she has class in the morning, which she doesn't, she just doesn't drink.
    I squirm a bit at the eyes on me, take a handful of popcorn, shove it in my mouth, grab one of the bottles, open it, drink. "'Cause I see him everywhere, don't know why. And I told you, I grew up down in Florida. My mother died and...I've been moving about since."
    Lily shakes her head, "Don't even try that game. Come on, tell us about where you were before here. Like...friends? Boyfriend? Children, for all I know?" Her questions are nosy, but I can see the concern in her eyes. She happened to have been just coming home when I had left Anis's that night and...well, I never went into detail about stuff, but she could tell I was hurting because of some things I said.
    The other two look to me interestedly and I sigh. "Not really. A friend, yea, but," I shrug a shoulder, "That's 'bout it. I told you that before, maybe not details, but only 'cause....not important."
    I look down to my lap, not wanting to say anything further, but I can feel their eyes on me. Maybe they only want to know because they want to get closer to me, be actual friends, but...maybe I'm just trying to close myself in, or am too secretive with some things. Well, no, that's wrong. I told Anis quite a bit, but...that was different, I think.
    "There's something in your eyes when you talk about before, Ryleah," Erin whispers, "There's something...unresolved. But maybe someday there'll be a resolution, like there is in every book. Maybe someday you'll get what you want....since you seem to not get it that often. You said your mother died, and that you did not like her, did to want her dead. Then the after...if you were in the system, I guess you never really found a loving family. And then you find friends only, but someday you'll find what you want. Everyone finds it sooner or later; love." She blinks, shakes her head, then drinks some water as if nothing happened. I slowly look up to her, frowning in thought. Sometimes I wonder if Erin is more...mutant than human, but it's hard to tell. I haven't told any of them about what I can do yet, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I did. But what she did struck me somehow. I don't like being struck by words.
    After that, the night goes on. Laughing, watching TV, talking, even playing M.A.S.H somehow. Of course we all end up sleeping, all of us shoving up against each other to fit on the bed, which works halfways okay, but I stay awake, as exhauasted as I am, as two snore and one only breathes in the rhythm of sleep. Since I'm on the edge, I turn a bit to grab my pants and fish out my phone, sending a quick text to someone. I might regret this, but...hey, talking to someone who might be able to help me make sense of some things would be nice. I just have to hope I don't make a big fool of myself.

Ryleah: Unsaid

((Important note, this is not the same Ry as there has previously been, this is rather her...medieval incarnation *nods* but she was talking in my head after yesterday so...))

    I slowly blink my eyes open, somehow having actually managed to fall asleep but once I am able to see clearly, I nearly fall out of the small bed. Somehow i turned around so that my front faces him and so that I'm essentially curled up against him. I freeze for some moments, watching him with wide eyes, before silently slipping form under the cover, taking deep breaths. Oh...he's going to hate me when he wakes up, assuming he remembers what happened. He's going to hate me, call me a witch, look terrified, and run off. Probably he'l forget his shoes and weapons, even, with how desperately he'll want to flee. With him, I swear sometimes I'm the sane one, and that's hard to believe.
    I turn in the dark room and kneel near the bed, watching him as best I can int eh dim lighting. The heavy snores of the three drunken people in the room with us, the three who had stopped things before they went too far, the only sound besides his and my breathing. Of course there are some sounds from the tavern below, but not that much since it seems empty. My gaze moves over the lines of his face as he sleeps. Oh, if there's a hell, they've most definitely got a spot reserved for me. First I just assumed that there was no alcohol in that drink, since it didn't smell or taste like anything i was used to, and then I... Then I was stupid, that's what. And the worst part? I know that if he hadn't been drunk, none of that would have happened. He...he doesn't... Damn it. A part of me wishes desperately to know if he might...if he... He's looked to me strangely sometimes, and I still remember how he'd eyed my feet for whatever reason I could never pinpoint. I guess because looking anywhere else would have been blasphemous? No idea. I give a small smile to him and start to reach out to his face, but close my hand into a fist and sigh. I drop my hand to the bed. I remember, too, how he blushed when I asked if he'd make an exception for that brown-eyed girl of his dreams. He said he didn't know. He's Sweet.
     "I'm sorry, Anis, really," I whisper into the night. I wasn't drunk, I should have stopped things. I should have said 'no, you're drunk, just sleep.' But I didn't. I couldn't. I kept telling myself, it's just a kiss. It's not like clothes are coming off. It's just a kiss. A really, really long one. I place my fingers lightly on my lips, still able to feel his on mine. His lips felt and tasted better than I had imagined. And my skin still tingles from where his hand had slipped to the skin of my hip and waist.
     I shake my head to clear it of those thoughts. Part of me hopes he remembers, simply so that I don't have to be the only one thinking about this, but most of me hopes he doesn't. If he remembers he'll cry witch and I'll never see him again.
    So what if he runs off? It's all only a game.
    Not with him. Never with... He means more than that.
    But think of it, that one voice in my head insists, if he runs off, you might yet heal, but him? With how he is with those gods of his? He might run off, but he certainly won't forget. Couldn't that be fun instead of longing for him secretly?
     It...maybe... At least then.. No! Not with him!
    I shake my head against those thoughts as well, but those are harder to be rid of.
    "Anis, I...I...I l...I l..." I keep trying to said a word, just one simple word, but it sticks in my throat. It sticks there, refusing to come out because I know he could never feel anything for me. The only reason there were kisses and touches was because he was drunk. He only would make an exception, when it comes to his job and gods, with some brown-eyed girl he might fall in love with, but not me. I'm...being a silly child, that's all.
    I blink my eyes quickly against the strange stinging sensation there, take a blanket from under the bed. I make sure the blanket he has is wrapped around him firmly, sicne, if he's like me, once the ehat and flush wears off, he'll be cold for a bit. After some consideration, I put the blanket I just removed back under the bed. No, I won't sleep on the rug tonight, I can up and accept things for what they are. So, with that thought, I climb back into the bed, facing him, and try to gain a bit more sleep since who knows what tomorrow will hold.

Sunday, March 2, 2014


    Tired, frustrated, and hating how plans that could help things always fall off a steep cliff. I'm used to plans dying, but when there's very little of choice for a distraction from frustration? Yea, that doesn't help. So, yea, it's just one of those not so great days where there's only so much to do to help it. But writing helps, sort of. At least it gives me something to try and do, even if it's writing about how not so good I feel, it helps somewhat.
    I don't get frustrated easily, but when I do, it's...difficult to deal with because it's not a small thing. Have to work on that, i guess, but I prefer to frustrated as rarely as possibly instead of being so just to work on dealing with it when my original plans of distraction fall through. I don't like plans, cause the pretty much never work out anyhow. Plans and frustration, if I could banish those things, I would. But, sadly, they are two things that must be lived with, and learned to be dealt with. Today's clearly going to be a long day, but maybe it can yet be salvaged. I'm a pessimist when it comes to me, not others, but there's still that thing called hope that most people have. If we didn't have hope, what would we have? Nothing except depression probably. Hope is that driving force we all have, so, even when you feel like crying for the sheer frustration of whatever, you still have to hope there's something that will come of it sooner or alter. Like...original plans died like a squirrel under a tire, but maybe there's something else to be had for that happening? Maybe. Maybe not. Personally, I'm still hoping for something good to come of it, but my doubts are high. I doubt it, but still that little thing of hope which could make things better or worse, depending on the out come.
    Starting to think I'll maybe take a quick nap before diving into the source of my frustration. As much as I'd rather avoid things, I have to just deal with it for a few reasons. Maybe it won't be so bad once I start doing stuff, but I don't know yet. We'll see. But I'm still hoping for something else after, if I'm lucky at all for once. But we'll see. And always keep hope. The moment you lose hope, you lose everything that could potentially good. Once hope is gone, there is nothing but a hollow shell. Once hope is gone, that's how actual true depression can blind side you. Hope is one of our building blocks needed to deal with all the awful things in the world. Hope helps us live. Hope helps us be human. Hope is...hope.

    And, as an addition, stuff can happen so long as you give that hopeful energy. Least it did for me this once.