I'm in some state of half-consciousness in the backseat of Lily's Neon, Jess upfront with her and Erin in the back with me. Somehow it ended up that we're all staying at Lily's tonight. I happened to mention I don't feel like being alone for a few reasons, and then suddenly we're all piling into Lily's car after she and I got off work. Jess and Erin had hung around the club, near the bar with me, while waiting; the latter having seemed rather out of place with her bookish tendencies. Poor thing.
Briefly a face framed by black hair with blue eyes swims up from the back of my mind, chills going down my spine. I keep seeing that guy in the club whenever I have a shift, and at random other places, too. I don't know why, but I've got a bad feeling. Which is why I don't want to be alone tonight. Anis may be like some guardian angel for all I know, watching from afar, which isn't as creepy as it sounds, but still. Sure I can protect myself and all that, but if he's from... I'd rather not think along those lines.
The car jerks to a stop, causing me to snap forward, awake suddenly. "Damn it Lily! Learn to not give me whiplash!," I call, glaring at the back of her head. She only smiles back to me, perfect smile and all, through the rearview mirror. Maybe I'm snappy and tired, but that's because of what I had to do before serving drinks tonight. Quickly the images and sounds of earlier in the day run through my mind. Bright flashes, Shouts, Slipping through a skylight. Picking a lock. Slipping inside, burning some files. Reading mine. Keeping some. Slipping back through the skylight as the shouts got nearer to me. Having to set someone's pants on fire, so they didn't grab me. And fleeing with some others, the files hidden in my coat.
"C'mon, we're here sleepyhead," Erin whispers to me, tugging on my sleeve with a small smile. She's a sweet girl, in college for...engineering or medical something. I don't remember, she's just smart, and looks it. Whereas Lily is curvy and blonde and basically what could be plastered on every dirty magazine ever, Erin is that usual, mildly socially awkward girl. Her skin is a mix between Filipino and white, I think, and her hair is wavy and black, purple rimmed glasses forever perched on her nose. She's going places. Why she's friends with Lily...well, I can only assume Erin has a bit of a wild side buried under there someplace.
She and I step out of the car, Jess and Lily already outside and chatting. Now, Jess is different in looks form all of us; tall, athletic, and dark skinned. She has black hair pretty much always tied into a pony-tail, and light brown eyes. Her eyes probably the only similarity that connects any of us physically, and, even then, her eyes only faintly match Erin's deep brown ones. Lily is blue-eyed and I'm the special honey-eyed one. Basically it's like a bunch of people were thrown into a bag, and all of us just ended up pulled out at the same time. Our appearances only give hint to the personality differences.
All four of us head up to the building and the elevator, the three talking about something or other I only nod and grunt at, my mind most certainly elsewhere. I keep wanting to text him, see if he wants to meet up, but...I don't know. I could, alternatively, jsut drop by, but with my luck he'd be entangled with god knows who. I shiver at the mental image in my head.
Once the elevator dings and the doors glide open, we all step out and go down to Lily's room, but I make a quick stop to feed and stroke Charcoal, before joining them. Of course soon as I walk in, I realized I should've grabbed something to sleep in, but by that point a shirt is being pelted at me. "Always forgetful. I blame your southern blood," Lily teases, her New Yorker accent thick. Erin, Lily, and even Jess who has a British accent of all things, claim I 'speak' southern. So what if I say 'y'all' form time to time? I haven't been in the south since a long while.
I only roll my eyes and walk over to the bed to strip down and pull the shirt on that, for me, is large. Lily isn't overweight, she's jsut curvy and definitely bigger than I am. Erin's in the same boat, and Jess almost is, except she's really tall. "Remind me why I agreed to this?"
"Because," Jess says, dropping onto the red covered bed. "you worry about some guy stalking you and want our awesome protection."
"I have a gun, hun, a stalker isn't any worry of mine," I point out, gesturing to the gun I just set on the bed after changing.
"And I have pepper spray, just incase. Not sure I could use a gun," Erin pipes in.
"Help to have at least one lesson from...ah, someone," I murmur, sighing and taking the gun up to go stick it in one of Lily's drawers, wrinkling my nose at the contents of the first one. "I do not wanna know what kinda guys you bring home, Lily," I call to her as she puts something int eh microwave and I stick my gun into he second, much less disturbing drawer.
She laughs. "The fun ones! Got to have someone to warm my bed at night, and if they've got some kinks, well," she shrugs a shoulder, the smell and sound of popcorn filling the apartment. "I can only do my best to oblige. And, hey, it's not always guys," she adds quickly, smirking a bit.
The three of us sitting on the bed roll our eyes collectively, "Not into orgies or women," we say, laughing briefly at the unison of it.
"Missing out," she singsongs, prancing over to set the bowl down before going to look about for something to drink, I assume.
"You know, you never did tell us why you think he's stalking you. Hell, not even where you're from really, Ry. What's up with that?," Jess asks randomly, pulling one of the fluffy pink pillows to her chest. Erin tilts her head, looking to me curiously, and Lily comes over with three beer bottles and one bottle of water, for Erin. It's not that she has class in the morning, which she doesn't, she just doesn't drink.
I squirm a bit at the eyes on me, take a handful of popcorn, shove it in my mouth, grab one of the bottles, open it, drink. "'Cause I see him everywhere, don't know why. And I told you, I grew up down in Florida. My mother died and...I've been moving about since."
Lily shakes her head, "Don't even try that game. Come on, tell us about where you were before here. Like...friends? Boyfriend? Children, for all I know?" Her questions are nosy, but I can see the concern in her eyes. She happened to have been just coming home when I had left Anis's that night and...well, I never went into detail about stuff, but she could tell I was hurting because of some things I said.
The other two look to me interestedly and I sigh. "Not really. A friend, yea, but," I shrug a shoulder, "That's 'bout it. I told you that before, maybe not details, but only 'cause....not important."
I look down to my lap, not wanting to say anything further, but I can feel their eyes on me. Maybe they only want to know because they want to get closer to me, be actual friends, but...maybe I'm just trying to close myself in, or am too secretive with some things. Well, no, that's wrong. I told Anis quite a bit, but...that was different, I think.
"There's something in your eyes when you talk about before, Ryleah," Erin whispers, "There's something...unresolved. But maybe someday there'll be a resolution, like there is in every book. Maybe someday you'll get what you want....since you seem to not get it that often. You said your mother died, and that you did not like her, but...you did to want her dead. Then the after...if you were in the system, I guess you never really found a loving family. And then you find friends only, but someday you'll find what you want. Everyone finds it sooner or later; love." She blinks, shakes her head, then drinks some water as if nothing happened. I slowly look up to her, frowning in thought. Sometimes I wonder if Erin is more...mutant than human, but it's hard to tell. I haven't told any of them about what I can do yet, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I did. But what she did say...it struck me somehow. I don't like being struck by words.
After that, the night goes on. Laughing, watching TV, talking, even playing M.A.S.H somehow. Of course we all end up sleeping, all of us shoving up against each other to fit on the bed, which works halfways okay, but I stay awake, as exhauasted as I am, as two snore and one only breathes in the rhythm of sleep. Since I'm on the edge, I turn a bit to grab my pants and fish out my phone, sending a quick text to someone. I might regret this, but...hey, talking to someone who might be able to help me make sense of some things would be nice. I just have to hope I don't make a big fool of myself.
Showing posts with label ic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ic. Show all posts
Monday, March 3, 2014
Ryleah: Unsaid
((Important note, this is not the same Ry as there has previously been, this is rather her...medieval incarnation *nods* but she was talking in my head after yesterday so...))
I slowly blink my eyes open, somehow having actually managed to fall asleep but once I am able to see clearly, I nearly fall out of the small bed. Somehow i turned around so that my front faces him and so that I'm essentially curled up against him. I freeze for some moments, watching him with wide eyes, before silently slipping form under the cover, taking deep breaths. Oh...he's going to hate me when he wakes up, assuming he remembers what happened. He's going to hate me, call me a witch, look terrified, and run off. Probably he'l forget his shoes and weapons, even, with how desperately he'll want to flee. With him, I swear sometimes I'm the sane one, and that's hard to believe.
I turn in the dark room and kneel near the bed, watching him as best I can int eh dim lighting. The heavy snores of the three drunken people in the room with us, the three who had stopped things before they went too far, the only sound besides his and my breathing. Of course there are some sounds from the tavern below, but not that much since it seems empty. My gaze moves over the lines of his face as he sleeps. Oh, if there's a hell, they've most definitely got a spot reserved for me. First I just assumed that there was no alcohol in that drink, since it didn't smell or taste like anything i was used to, and then I... Then I was stupid, that's what. And the worst part? I know that if he hadn't been drunk, none of that would have happened. He...he doesn't... Damn it. A part of me wishes desperately to know if he might...if he... He's looked to me strangely sometimes, and I still remember how he'd eyed my feet for whatever reason I could never pinpoint. I guess because looking anywhere else would have been blasphemous? No idea. I give a small smile to him and start to reach out to his face, but close my hand into a fist and sigh. I drop my hand to the bed. I remember, too, how he blushed when I asked if he'd make an exception for that brown-eyed girl of his dreams. He said he didn't know. He's so...so... Sweet.
"I'm sorry, Anis, really," I whisper into the night. I wasn't drunk, I should have stopped things. I should have said 'no, you're drunk, just sleep.' But I didn't. I couldn't. I kept telling myself, it's just a kiss. It's not like clothes are coming off. It's just a kiss. A really, really long one. I place my fingers lightly on my lips, still able to feel his on mine. His lips felt and tasted better than I had imagined. And my skin still tingles from where his hand had slipped to the skin of my hip and waist.
I shake my head to clear it of those thoughts. Part of me hopes he remembers, simply so that I don't have to be the only one thinking about this, but most of me hopes he doesn't. If he remembers he'll cry witch and I'll never see him again.
So what if he runs off? It's all only a game.
Not with him. Never with... He means more than that.
But think of it, that one voice in my head insists, if he runs off, you might yet heal, but him? With how he is with those gods of his? He might run off, but he certainly won't forget. Couldn't that be fun instead of longing for him secretly?
It...maybe... At least then.. No! Not with him!
I shake my head against those thoughts as well, but those are harder to be rid of.
"Anis, I...I...I l...I l..." I keep trying to said a word, just one simple word, but it sticks in my throat. It sticks there, refusing to come out because I know he could never feel anything for me. The only reason there were kisses and touches was because he was drunk. He only would make an exception, when it comes to his job and gods, with some brown-eyed girl he might fall in love with, but not me. I'm...being a silly child, that's all.
I blink my eyes quickly against the strange stinging sensation there, take a blanket from under the bed. I make sure the blanket he has is wrapped around him firmly, sicne, if he's like me, once the ehat and flush wears off, he'll be cold for a bit. After some consideration, I put the blanket I just removed back under the bed. No, I won't sleep on the rug tonight, I can just...man up and accept things for what they are. So, with that thought, I climb back into the bed, facing him, and try to gain a bit more sleep since who knows what tomorrow will hold.
I slowly blink my eyes open, somehow having actually managed to fall asleep but once I am able to see clearly, I nearly fall out of the small bed. Somehow i turned around so that my front faces him and so that I'm essentially curled up against him. I freeze for some moments, watching him with wide eyes, before silently slipping form under the cover, taking deep breaths. Oh...he's going to hate me when he wakes up, assuming he remembers what happened. He's going to hate me, call me a witch, look terrified, and run off. Probably he'l forget his shoes and weapons, even, with how desperately he'll want to flee. With him, I swear sometimes I'm the sane one, and that's hard to believe.
I turn in the dark room and kneel near the bed, watching him as best I can int eh dim lighting. The heavy snores of the three drunken people in the room with us, the three who had stopped things before they went too far, the only sound besides his and my breathing. Of course there are some sounds from the tavern below, but not that much since it seems empty. My gaze moves over the lines of his face as he sleeps. Oh, if there's a hell, they've most definitely got a spot reserved for me. First I just assumed that there was no alcohol in that drink, since it didn't smell or taste like anything i was used to, and then I... Then I was stupid, that's what. And the worst part? I know that if he hadn't been drunk, none of that would have happened. He...he doesn't... Damn it. A part of me wishes desperately to know if he might...if he... He's looked to me strangely sometimes, and I still remember how he'd eyed my feet for whatever reason I could never pinpoint. I guess because looking anywhere else would have been blasphemous? No idea. I give a small smile to him and start to reach out to his face, but close my hand into a fist and sigh. I drop my hand to the bed. I remember, too, how he blushed when I asked if he'd make an exception for that brown-eyed girl of his dreams. He said he didn't know. He's so...so... Sweet.
"I'm sorry, Anis, really," I whisper into the night. I wasn't drunk, I should have stopped things. I should have said 'no, you're drunk, just sleep.' But I didn't. I couldn't. I kept telling myself, it's just a kiss. It's not like clothes are coming off. It's just a kiss. A really, really long one. I place my fingers lightly on my lips, still able to feel his on mine. His lips felt and tasted better than I had imagined. And my skin still tingles from where his hand had slipped to the skin of my hip and waist.
I shake my head to clear it of those thoughts. Part of me hopes he remembers, simply so that I don't have to be the only one thinking about this, but most of me hopes he doesn't. If he remembers he'll cry witch and I'll never see him again.
So what if he runs off? It's all only a game.
Not with him. Never with... He means more than that.
But think of it, that one voice in my head insists, if he runs off, you might yet heal, but him? With how he is with those gods of his? He might run off, but he certainly won't forget. Couldn't that be fun instead of longing for him secretly?
It...maybe... At least then.. No! Not with him!
I shake my head against those thoughts as well, but those are harder to be rid of.
"Anis, I...I...I l...I l..." I keep trying to said a word, just one simple word, but it sticks in my throat. It sticks there, refusing to come out because I know he could never feel anything for me. The only reason there were kisses and touches was because he was drunk. He only would make an exception, when it comes to his job and gods, with some brown-eyed girl he might fall in love with, but not me. I'm...being a silly child, that's all.
I blink my eyes quickly against the strange stinging sensation there, take a blanket from under the bed. I make sure the blanket he has is wrapped around him firmly, sicne, if he's like me, once the ehat and flush wears off, he'll be cold for a bit. After some consideration, I put the blanket I just removed back under the bed. No, I won't sleep on the rug tonight, I can just...man up and accept things for what they are. So, with that thought, I climb back into the bed, facing him, and try to gain a bit more sleep since who knows what tomorrow will hold.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Consequences
Consequences. Life has them, yes? They word mostly has the connotation of being associated with bad happenings, but there can be good ones as well. Not the first thing to appear in most people's minds, perhaps, but they can be good at times. But I'm not so much wanting to write about the difference between the connotation and denotation of the word so much as various uses of this word.
When it comes to the SL roleplay, dare I say, multiverse one of the main rules that's written basically everywhere is: IC actions, IC consequences. Or something similar to that if not that exactly. Now, of course OOC can get entangled at times, sometimes that can be good if it provides for a greater intensity, other times it leads to drama and people getting overly upset for your char insulting them or so. I'm talking about this because being someone who hates upsetting people I care about in RL, the possibility of ill consequences in roleplay leaves me at a sort of cliffhanger. At least it leaves me wondering and feeling kind of mopey for an hour or more, depending on the situation, afterward when it comes to roleplay with people who I connect with on an OOC level. If I don't know who you are, chances are I won't care that much and any of the IC feelings my character has will not translate to me for however temporary a time period. Usually, when something happens in RL/OOC with someone I care for, I can get rather stressed, probably the only thing that actually holds the potential to stress me out. So, as a result, i try to fix it however I can. i try to talk it out, try to get things smoothed enough that whatever guilt I have can be muffled, since it will never fully go away as I know I have upset someone I care for. I'm good with pretending things didn't happen, so that helps, too. And this one trait of mine, not the pretending things did not happen, seems to cross over to my main character; Armalla.
The fact that follows her as well as myself, makes things...interesting and more like a book that just stops and you have to wait for some months for the next one to come out. (*waits impatiently for Silver Shadows to come out*) But, while I may only have to wait a day, it is different in the fact that there is a sort of connection there, to my character and the one who is usually involved in such situations. I am impatient and basically run thousands of scenarios through my head, wondering just which one will happen. I do that for a lot of things, but this is definitely one of those because it is a story, a cliffhanger, something that's just...having me bounce in place for the energy inside of me while I wait. And i know before anything even happens, Armalla will be thinking of hundreds upon hundreds of ways to fix whatever, even if not her fault directly.
When it comes to consequences in roleplay, I don't like the bad ones. I don't like them because they make me feel bad for my character, the other character (which is really only ever the same one, he knows who he is,and I know he'll likely read this, too), and the other person. The other person because I know, at least when it comes to one person in particular, they have a certain connection to their character, too. So I just sit there like 'well, damn.' The current consequence that happened today has Malla stressing, and me wondering and feeling a bit bad. See, when it comes to these things, I know I'm like a little puppet master of sorts, but that I'm also only reacting, too. The current situation has to do with something that happened a while back and, while I didn't have to have any sort of consequence come from it, I did because it made sense. I didn't want to, because I knew that it could lead to two rather upset characters. And soon as I more or less made it official, sooner than I had originally planned to since I was still going back and forth on it, I felt bad. I wanted to hug Malla and, preemptively, hug Taeem, the other involved in this situation. I couldn't, but I wanted to. Of course I could have made it ten times worse, but I can't do that. Nope, I have to just do the bit that makes sense because of how long certain things went on and how often, too. I don't like it, but I had to go with what would probably happen if in RL. I feel awful for it, but it was a consequence that, to keep with sense and logic, more or less 'had' to happen.
There are roleplayers who will not do anything whatsoever that could be thought of as 'bad'. They hate to 'lose'. They hate the possibility of their character not being all happy and peppy or however else they have planned. I'm not saying i try to play the victim, since people who want to always 'lose' are as bad as the ones who always want to 'win', but I don't care if Malla falls a few times. Okay, a lot if I'm honest with myself. A bunch of stuff has happened that has her so far from how she started that I sit and look back and am like 'well...that happened.' And it's not a bad thing, it's development. It seems to happen much quicker in roleplay than in RL, of course, but it still happens in RL none the less. I don't think it actually happens quicker in certain aspects, just it may be more noticeable. But if you look back tow or three years, are you truly the exact same person then as you are now? People seem to forget half the time that people change, and the things that make them fall can make them stronger in the long run. Maybe not always, but it holds potential.
So I had to make a choice I did not like to make yesterday. I did it, because it was what I basically had 'planned' already. I knew there had to be some consequence because of something else that I didn't decide on so much as the roleplay decided for me, but I kept from the extreme because...well, because I couldn't do that. I couldn't do the extreme. While it isn't really known IC that the extreme didn't happen, I know and that assuages my guilt a little. I hate to do 'bad' things to my characters, whether in roleplay or my books, but sometimes the bad has to happen. It's like when people say 'it hurts me as much as you', the only difference being is that I mean it. I mean, it may not hurt to the same degree or for the same amount of time, but while I'm making whatever split second decision, it does. I'm strange like that, I guess, but I like to think it helps with my writing. I'm an emotional person, I'll admit that, so I think with them more than with logic.
For any and all of the roleplayers who may read this, remember: always having things go how you plan, doesn't make for the better. Sometimes it's good to cry with your character as you breathe life into their words and actions. Sometimes the 'bad', can make the good seem so much better. I know that something else I have in mind will seem a whole lot brighter now that this 'bad' thing has happened. It would seem good enough without it, yes, but it'll mean more to the characters I do think.
When it comes to the SL roleplay, dare I say, multiverse one of the main rules that's written basically everywhere is: IC actions, IC consequences. Or something similar to that if not that exactly. Now, of course OOC can get entangled at times, sometimes that can be good if it provides for a greater intensity, other times it leads to drama and people getting overly upset for your char insulting them or so. I'm talking about this because being someone who hates upsetting people I care about in RL, the possibility of ill consequences in roleplay leaves me at a sort of cliffhanger. At least it leaves me wondering and feeling kind of mopey for an hour or more, depending on the situation, afterward when it comes to roleplay with people who I connect with on an OOC level. If I don't know who you are, chances are I won't care that much and any of the IC feelings my character has will not translate to me for however temporary a time period. Usually, when something happens in RL/OOC with someone I care for, I can get rather stressed, probably the only thing that actually holds the potential to stress me out. So, as a result, i try to fix it however I can. i try to talk it out, try to get things smoothed enough that whatever guilt I have can be muffled, since it will never fully go away as I know I have upset someone I care for. I'm good with pretending things didn't happen, so that helps, too. And this one trait of mine, not the pretending things did not happen, seems to cross over to my main character; Armalla.
The fact that follows her as well as myself, makes things...interesting and more like a book that just stops and you have to wait for some months for the next one to come out. (*waits impatiently for Silver Shadows to come out*) But, while I may only have to wait a day, it is different in the fact that there is a sort of connection there, to my character and the one who is usually involved in such situations. I am impatient and basically run thousands of scenarios through my head, wondering just which one will happen. I do that for a lot of things, but this is definitely one of those because it is a story, a cliffhanger, something that's just...having me bounce in place for the energy inside of me while I wait. And i know before anything even happens, Armalla will be thinking of hundreds upon hundreds of ways to fix whatever, even if not her fault directly.
When it comes to consequences in roleplay, I don't like the bad ones. I don't like them because they make me feel bad for my character, the other character (which is really only ever the same one, he knows who he is,and I know he'll likely read this, too), and the other person. The other person because I know, at least when it comes to one person in particular, they have a certain connection to their character, too. So I just sit there like 'well, damn.' The current consequence that happened today has Malla stressing, and me wondering and feeling a bit bad. See, when it comes to these things, I know I'm like a little puppet master of sorts, but that I'm also only reacting, too. The current situation has to do with something that happened a while back and, while I didn't have to have any sort of consequence come from it, I did because it made sense. I didn't want to, because I knew that it could lead to two rather upset characters. And soon as I more or less made it official, sooner than I had originally planned to since I was still going back and forth on it, I felt bad. I wanted to hug Malla and, preemptively, hug Taeem, the other involved in this situation. I couldn't, but I wanted to. Of course I could have made it ten times worse, but I can't do that. Nope, I have to just do the bit that makes sense because of how long certain things went on and how often, too. I don't like it, but I had to go with what would probably happen if in RL. I feel awful for it, but it was a consequence that, to keep with sense and logic, more or less 'had' to happen.
There are roleplayers who will not do anything whatsoever that could be thought of as 'bad'. They hate to 'lose'. They hate the possibility of their character not being all happy and peppy or however else they have planned. I'm not saying i try to play the victim, since people who want to always 'lose' are as bad as the ones who always want to 'win', but I don't care if Malla falls a few times. Okay, a lot if I'm honest with myself. A bunch of stuff has happened that has her so far from how she started that I sit and look back and am like 'well...that happened.' And it's not a bad thing, it's development. It seems to happen much quicker in roleplay than in RL, of course, but it still happens in RL none the less. I don't think it actually happens quicker in certain aspects, just it may be more noticeable. But if you look back tow or three years, are you truly the exact same person then as you are now? People seem to forget half the time that people change, and the things that make them fall can make them stronger in the long run. Maybe not always, but it holds potential.
So I had to make a choice I did not like to make yesterday. I did it, because it was what I basically had 'planned' already. I knew there had to be some consequence because of something else that I didn't decide on so much as the roleplay decided for me, but I kept from the extreme because...well, because I couldn't do that. I couldn't do the extreme. While it isn't really known IC that the extreme didn't happen, I know and that assuages my guilt a little. I hate to do 'bad' things to my characters, whether in roleplay or my books, but sometimes the bad has to happen. It's like when people say 'it hurts me as much as you', the only difference being is that I mean it. I mean, it may not hurt to the same degree or for the same amount of time, but while I'm making whatever split second decision, it does. I'm strange like that, I guess, but I like to think it helps with my writing. I'm an emotional person, I'll admit that, so I think with them more than with logic.
For any and all of the roleplayers who may read this, remember: always having things go how you plan, doesn't make for the better. Sometimes it's good to cry with your character as you breathe life into their words and actions. Sometimes the 'bad', can make the good seem so much better. I know that something else I have in mind will seem a whole lot brighter now that this 'bad' thing has happened. It would seem good enough without it, yes, but it'll mean more to the characters I do think.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Ryleah: Long Nights
((This may or may not be a thing now...))
I sigh and roll onto my side, so my back is to him, and bite my lip, squeezing my eyes shut. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No matter what he said, he clearly didn't want me to stay. Maybe a nostalgic part of him did, but not the whole! I should've taken the cash and gotten a cab....but, no, I have to torture myself like this. I could do it now, but...that would seem...rude. Rude to leave while he sleeps. And it was stupid to feel hurt at him saying just what I knew he would; that he has random girls over. But...I just... Fuck.
I can rationalize this all I want, but deep down I know the truth.
I swear I'm the only one who deals with their loneliness not by sleeping with whoever. I know that's why Lily is out every night, and...that's why Anis apparently sleeps with random girls. Maybe I should introduce them to one another... Oh, who am I kidding, if I did that I'd probably curl up on my bed for days. But, hell, they might introduce themselves to each other since, after all, Anis seemed to know everything that is going on with me without me having to have said anything. With my luck I'll see him walking out of her apartment one morning. Probably I'd hit him then go curl up on my bed for days.
I shift a bit so I can trace over the heart on the pillow, but stay laying down, the snores of the small kitten closer to my ear now. I hate being alone myself, but I don't sleep around. I don't sleep around because...everything inside of me is this great big tangle. If it wasn't, likely I'd have no worry about anything. I can't help but wonder how long he's been here, how many women he's had on his...sleeping bags... Don't go there, Ry, you won't get any sleep tonight if ya do...
The nights I keep spending alone with only my thoughts, and more recently my cat, are always long. Tonight, even though I'm not alone, is going to be long. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around myself, since I lack my owl for the night, and try to grab a few more hours of hopefully dreamless sleep, a few more hours of ignorance.
I sigh and roll onto my side, so my back is to him, and bite my lip, squeezing my eyes shut. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No matter what he said, he clearly didn't want me to stay. Maybe a nostalgic part of him did, but not the whole! I should've taken the cash and gotten a cab....but, no, I have to torture myself like this. I could do it now, but...that would seem...rude. Rude to leave while he sleeps. And it was stupid to feel hurt at him saying just what I knew he would; that he has random girls over. But...I just... Fuck.
I can rationalize this all I want, but deep down I know the truth.
I swear I'm the only one who deals with their loneliness not by sleeping with whoever. I know that's why Lily is out every night, and...that's why Anis apparently sleeps with random girls. Maybe I should introduce them to one another... Oh, who am I kidding, if I did that I'd probably curl up on my bed for days. But, hell, they might introduce themselves to each other since, after all, Anis seemed to know everything that is going on with me without me having to have said anything. With my luck I'll see him walking out of her apartment one morning. Probably I'd hit him then go curl up on my bed for days.
I shift a bit so I can trace over the heart on the pillow, but stay laying down, the snores of the small kitten closer to my ear now. I hate being alone myself, but I don't sleep around. I don't sleep around because...everything inside of me is this great big tangle. If it wasn't, likely I'd have no worry about anything. I can't help but wonder how long he's been here, how many women he's had on his...sleeping bags... Don't go there, Ry, you won't get any sleep tonight if ya do...
The nights I keep spending alone with only my thoughts, and more recently my cat, are always long. Tonight, even though I'm not alone, is going to be long. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around myself, since I lack my owl for the night, and try to grab a few more hours of hopefully dreamless sleep, a few more hours of ignorance.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Ryleah: Your Average Morning
((This RP char of mine doesn't have her own blog as Malla does, so, since she keeps talking in my head and I don't feel like scrawling in my notebook, again, here is this))
I pull the blanket up over my head, groaning as I do. Last night...bad idea, very bad idea. It's not so much that I drank too much, which I did, but it's the fact I stayed up late just so Lily could believe I went home with that guy I was 'hitting on'. I wasn't. I was pretending just to get her off my back. Now, I'ts not that she isn't nice or, i guess, a friend of sorts, but...still. Sleeping with random guys? Not my definition of 'fun'. How yesterday went from me teasing her about her little walk of shame to me having to go out with her that night, I have no idea.
I'm not sure how long i lay there before I, unwillingly, get up and sit on the edge of my bed. I don't want to do stuff today. My head hurts...and the giant windows are not helping. When Lily is back in her apartment later, I am so totally banging on her door. With pots and pans. And wind chimes. And anything else loud I can think of. But what did I have to do today? I feel around on my bed for my phone. Gun under the pillow. Clothes I melted out of when I got home. Wallet on top of said clothes. Cat I adopted on my peacoat from Anis. I frown at the black cat, pick him up, and set him on the floor, ignoring his insulted look. It takes some moments, but I find my phone tangled in my blankets. No missed calls or texts or anything. Figures. But the date... February 16th. Fuck. I'm twenty-two today, aren't I? Great. More reason to hide under my blankets and not leave this apartment.
I fling the traitorous phone over to the pile of soon-to-be-washed clothes on my floor, and flop back on my bed. Ugh. Can i just...not move today? I know, i have to. I have to work tonight and probably pillage and burn for the people who gave me this place.
Somehow I push myself back up into a sitting position and, jsut as I'm about to push off the bed, I pause, looking to the book on my bedside table. Suddenly I feel an ache in my heart. I do keep hoping that sooner or alter I'll hear from him, but it was stupid to hope for that. Stupid for...a lot of reasons. In general, I'm stupid with everything when it comes to...him. Oh..fuck.. I wipe at my eyes, silently cursing myself for caring so damn much. I don't care. I don't. People come, people go. I'm used to it. I'm used to people thinking I stop existing soon as I'm out of sight. Doesn't matter, it's just the usual. I may have hoped it would be different with Anis, but...well, I don't matter. All my life people haven't cared much for what I do, where I go, or whatever. Adn they certainly don't call me just to say 'yo, I'm still alive.' Everyone's the same: some fucker that doesn't matter. Easier that way for me, and for them.
But it still does hurt when I think about how I did hope he'd use that number.
I shake my head, even though that doesn't help the pain there, and stand, jumping as my phone vibrates and lights up. I look down, pushing down the hope that does swell in me, and pick it up. "'Ello?," I answer.
"Ryleah, you may have off today since it's your birthday, but tomorrow before work, we need you to go get rid of some more files," a well-known, and by this point frustrating, male voice replies. I inwardly groan, but only agree, and listen for the details. Sometimes I wish I was a book or comic or something, since, if I was, today would be more than just run-of-the-mill.
I pull the blanket up over my head, groaning as I do. Last night...bad idea, very bad idea. It's not so much that I drank too much, which I did, but it's the fact I stayed up late just so Lily could believe I went home with that guy I was 'hitting on'. I wasn't. I was pretending just to get her off my back. Now, I'ts not that she isn't nice or, i guess, a friend of sorts, but...still. Sleeping with random guys? Not my definition of 'fun'. How yesterday went from me teasing her about her little walk of shame to me having to go out with her that night, I have no idea.
I fling the traitorous phone over to the pile of soon-to-be-washed clothes on my floor, and flop back on my bed. Ugh. Can i just...not move today? I know, i have to. I have to work tonight and probably pillage and burn for the people who gave me this place.
Somehow I push myself back up into a sitting position and, jsut as I'm about to push off the bed, I pause, looking to the book on my bedside table. Suddenly I feel an ache in my heart. I do keep hoping that sooner or alter I'll hear from him, but it was stupid to hope for that. Stupid for...a lot of reasons. In general, I'm stupid with everything when it comes to...him. Oh..fuck.. I wipe at my eyes, silently cursing myself for caring so damn much. I don't care. I don't. People come, people go. I'm used to it. I'm used to people thinking I stop existing soon as I'm out of sight. Doesn't matter, it's just the usual. I may have hoped it would be different with Anis, but...well, I don't matter. All my life people haven't cared much for what I do, where I go, or whatever. Adn they certainly don't call me just to say 'yo, I'm still alive.' Everyone's the same: some fucker that doesn't matter. Easier that way for me, and for them.
But it still does hurt when I think about how I did hope he'd use that number.
I shake my head, even though that doesn't help the pain there, and stand, jumping as my phone vibrates and lights up. I look down, pushing down the hope that does swell in me, and pick it up. "'Ello?," I answer.
"Ryleah, you may have off today since it's your birthday, but tomorrow before work, we need you to go get rid of some more files," a well-known, and by this point frustrating, male voice replies. I inwardly groan, but only agree, and listen for the details. Sometimes I wish I was a book or comic or something, since, if I was, today would be more than just run-of-the-mill.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Empathy
I sometimes wonder just how many people feel a empathy with their characters in roleplay. I know I do, an if only because I've sat here before, crying and typing simultaneously. But crying not because I'm sad, but because I feel for the character, namely Armalla in this case since the other hasn't really been crying yet. Yet. But arguably she's more emotionally stable in certain aspects, so that's probably why. Still, I feel for these two: the married mother of two half-elf, and whichever incarnation of Ryleah. (I don't include Nevi in this because she's...a work in progress, i guess, being a child still.) I've always liked to think I have a decent empathy level and a higher emotional intelligence - both only assumptions except for the latter since recently - so that could have something to do with it, but I'm not sure. To really truly be able to type well for whoever you 'become' for however long, don't you have to connect on some sort of emotional level? After a certain roleplay ends...does it leave you feeling some sort of way for a short while? Like...if something ends a bit sad, do you feel melancholy? If it ends on a happy note, is there some sort of happiness in you? It works that way for me at least. And, yes, the reason I've got these thoughts is because of how I was left with something of a melancholy feeling today.
Another reason for these thoughts is because I posted two pics on flickr and ended up easily putting the thoughts of the two chars pictured as the 'description'. Eve when I'm not typing for whoever, I can still flip a switch and have their thoughts. Is that weird? Am I the only one with that simple chamber in my brain labeled with their names? It's as easy as if I were to open a door to a room called 'Armalla' and another 'Ryleah'. Weird or are their others?
Maybe it's because I have the mind of a writer (even though I haven't finished writing any story 'cause I get too many ideas and have to write whatever down, even if it's totally unrelated and a different story all together) and that's why I am able to just think their thoughts? It only takes me but a second to think of what Ry might be thinking around this moment or just after her day's end. Then for Malla, even though i didn't play as her today, doesn't take long either. It makes more sense for Malla since I've been playing as her for a couple years now, and Ry...well...I can't explain the ease with which she comes. Like I said, maybe it's just because I have a creative mind? or it is falling into the empathy? I think maybe more so the empathy since if you understand someone's emotions, you can guess at their thinking, their motives. Maybe it's all only to an extent, but it makes sense doesn't it? If you can feel a strong sort of empathy towards someone, you can understand them; that goes for roleplay characters, too.
I know, I know, 'they're not real' 'they don't feel', but don't they to an extent? Maybe it's something that could be easily wiped away if you as the typist chose for it to be...but don't they yet have feelings? Maybe not like the real person typing for them, but there's still some form of it. Does whatever character you have react jsut as you would in a situation? I know sure as hell Malla cries more openly than I do plus other issues. Ry on the other hand...apathy seems to be her defense mechanism, so I can relate on that note, but...she's still more open and outgoing than I am. I think she might also feel more fiercely than I do, which is a scary thought since I thought that when I feel strongly for something/someone, I feel strongly for it/them...but that's still a 'we shall see' thing.
Okay, maybe I'm crazy, but this is how I see it. When it comes down to it, if you can empathize with your character, it'll work wonderfully...if have you unable to see your keyboard. But it certainly gives more to whatever experience, sad or otherwise, and I like it. Crazy or not, I'm all for it.
 |
| Shhh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't. |
Maybe it's because I have the mind of a writer (even though I haven't finished writing any story 'cause I get too many ideas and have to write whatever down, even if it's totally unrelated and a different story all together) and that's why I am able to just think their thoughts? It only takes me but a second to think of what Ry might be thinking around this moment or just after her day's end. Then for Malla, even though i didn't play as her today, doesn't take long either. It makes more sense for Malla since I've been playing as her for a couple years now, and Ry...well...I can't explain the ease with which she comes. Like I said, maybe it's just because I have a creative mind? or it is falling into the empathy? I think maybe more so the empathy since if you understand someone's emotions, you can guess at their thinking, their motives. Maybe it's all only to an extent, but it makes sense doesn't it? If you can feel a strong sort of empathy towards someone, you can understand them; that goes for roleplay characters, too.
I know, I know, 'they're not real' 'they don't feel', but don't they to an extent? Maybe it's something that could be easily wiped away if you as the typist chose for it to be...but don't they yet have feelings? Maybe not like the real person typing for them, but there's still some form of it. Does whatever character you have react jsut as you would in a situation? I know sure as hell Malla cries more openly than I do plus other issues. Ry on the other hand...apathy seems to be her defense mechanism, so I can relate on that note, but...she's still more open and outgoing than I am. I think she might also feel more fiercely than I do, which is a scary thought since I thought that when I feel strongly for something/someone, I feel strongly for it/them...but that's still a 'we shall see' thing.
Okay, maybe I'm crazy, but this is how I see it. When it comes down to it, if you can empathize with your character, it'll work wonderfully...if have you unable to see your keyboard. But it certainly gives more to whatever experience, sad or otherwise, and I like it. Crazy or not, I'm all for it.
 |
| Just wait a bit longer. |
Sunday, November 24, 2013
How real is it?
I feel thoughtful today. I don't know why, just am and my thoughts have meandered to what is SL really? People put in their profiles all the time that SL and RL are two separate entities, and others put that SL is ingrained into their RL. So, which is right? Is one right and the other wrong? I guess it really depends how you present yourself in this virtual world. Is your pixel self you reflected? Or are the pixels just that, pixels? Are you honest to people you consider friends? Or is it all an act? How much do you divulge?
Personally I think that, unless every last thing you type is a lie, you cannot completely separate yourself from your pixels. Feelings are real, even if the medium used for them is virtual. The friends you make can be as real and lasting as well as just as backstabby. Sure, SL time seems to move so differently than RL somehow, but it still is real.
Do your pixels look like you? If yes, how much? Is this avatar your fantasy? Why do you have him/her look like they do?
Then there's roleplay. Where are your lines? How bold are your lines? How bold are the lines other people draw? The person your character is married to, do both of you only play the love or is some of it real? Is that IC/OOC border more vague for you than the other? Vice versa? Where does the role start and end? Do you wish that you could truly have a relationship with the person, SL-wise or RL-wise, instead of just roleplaying one? Is there truth to what you play on your own and with others?
So many questions to ask and think on when it comes to SL and how involved you are in it. So much is just...just...confusing if you think deeply. And what makes it all the worse is how some people don't want to admit some things to themselves that, if asked any of these questions, all the answers may be lies that they think truth.
All of these questions? I don't know all of what my answers would be. It's freezing out, I have snugly pajamas and blanket...think I'm going to spend time on pondering them for myself.
Personally I think that, unless every last thing you type is a lie, you cannot completely separate yourself from your pixels. Feelings are real, even if the medium used for them is virtual. The friends you make can be as real and lasting as well as just as backstabby. Sure, SL time seems to move so differently than RL somehow, but it still is real.
Do your pixels look like you? If yes, how much? Is this avatar your fantasy? Why do you have him/her look like they do?
Then there's roleplay. Where are your lines? How bold are your lines? How bold are the lines other people draw? The person your character is married to, do both of you only play the love or is some of it real? Is that IC/OOC border more vague for you than the other? Vice versa? Where does the role start and end? Do you wish that you could truly have a relationship with the person, SL-wise or RL-wise, instead of just roleplaying one? Is there truth to what you play on your own and with others?
So many questions to ask and think on when it comes to SL and how involved you are in it. So much is just...just...confusing if you think deeply. And what makes it all the worse is how some people don't want to admit some things to themselves that, if asked any of these questions, all the answers may be lies that they think truth.
All of these questions? I don't know all of what my answers would be. It's freezing out, I have snugly pajamas and blanket...think I'm going to spend time on pondering them for myself.
 |
| Is it the dream we hold firmly onto come morning? |
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
OOC vs. IC
I had to write about this because...well a few days ago, some IC stuff got brought OOC and really pissed me off.
There's generally an unspoken rule, sometiems written in some places, that OOC stays there and IC stays IC. it is different then trying to keep SL and RL separate, which is not what I'm talking about and that has many different ideas on it and such. When you're IC, you are playing a character, not yourself, if you want to go be yourself, don't go RPing. yes, you can make a version of yourself IC but that doesn't mean you are your character. No, just no.
Yes, people are generally on good terms if their chars are in a relationship, at least in my experience. Though I don't think it would make sense for people to dislike each other OOC and be in a relationship, even not romantic, IC.
But I'm talking not about that so much as just...general things. Okay, a character messes up, doesn't do something, doesn't know how to do something even if you think they should, why are you going to get pissy at the typist? That's just how the character is you can't help that. All the typist has to do is type what the character wants to say and do, too much OOC interference ruins it. Sure, OOC does affect IC to some degree, but it should not be the other way around.
If you're upset, go yell at the person ICly not go and IM to let them know that you're upset with the person behind the keyboard for what the character did. I mean, really, this isn't like a puppet, it's more like acting. Is it at all logical to get mad at the actor for what the character they play does? No, not all. They're reading lines, going with the emotions the character feels, doing what that character would do. They are not them at the time.
Sure, it might not come natural to some people to think like that...but, at least hold back whatever you want to IM or whatever and think and remember. Sure, you might still be upset OOC, but try not to go bother the other person OOC-wise.
Okay, rant over. But I figured I'd talk about the difference while using some own..personal experience.And, thankfully, i managed to keep all this in my head while IMing the person in question as to not stir up anything...which, again, some people need to learn to do.
Now, I'm really done, i swear. :)
There's generally an unspoken rule, sometiems written in some places, that OOC stays there and IC stays IC. it is different then trying to keep SL and RL separate, which is not what I'm talking about and that has many different ideas on it and such. When you're IC, you are playing a character, not yourself, if you want to go be yourself, don't go RPing. yes, you can make a version of yourself IC but that doesn't mean you are your character. No, just no.
Yes, people are generally on good terms if their chars are in a relationship, at least in my experience. Though I don't think it would make sense for people to dislike each other OOC and be in a relationship, even not romantic, IC.
But I'm talking not about that so much as just...general things. Okay, a character messes up, doesn't do something, doesn't know how to do something even if you think they should, why are you going to get pissy at the typist? That's just how the character is you can't help that. All the typist has to do is type what the character wants to say and do, too much OOC interference ruins it. Sure, OOC does affect IC to some degree, but it should not be the other way around.
If you're upset, go yell at the person ICly not go and IM to let them know that you're upset with the person behind the keyboard for what the character did. I mean, really, this isn't like a puppet, it's more like acting. Is it at all logical to get mad at the actor for what the character they play does? No, not all. They're reading lines, going with the emotions the character feels, doing what that character would do. They are not them at the time.
Sure, it might not come natural to some people to think like that...but, at least hold back whatever you want to IM or whatever and think and remember. Sure, you might still be upset OOC, but try not to go bother the other person OOC-wise.
Okay, rant over. But I figured I'd talk about the difference while using some own..personal experience.And, thankfully, i managed to keep all this in my head while IMing the person in question as to not stir up anything...which, again, some people need to learn to do.
Now, I'm really done, i swear. :)
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