Third Rez Day

    Haven't written in a while, and still want to do one post before I go for orientation and then the actual learning part for my school. But I realized something the other day when I opened my profile; my third rez day was on the eleventh. Of course I took pics as I realized this (and partly because I wanted pictures with the new hair/pastel color that Truth has temporarily set out for free. Only the pastel pack since that's the new color pack, or so I've ehard.)

Happy Rez to me! My gift to myself? Lazyness :P

    Three years. And I'm trying to remember what I was doing when I originally signed up. I can't, but I do know that I'm still so very glad I had. My reasons are simple, and probably a bit obvious even; I've been able to fall in love with roleplay and meet some lovely people. I've been roleplaying since, well, pretty much since a few days after I created my account. I stumbled upon it, looked around for some clothes fitting enough so I could wander with an observer tag, and then...I stayed. In roleplay and on the sim I stumbled upon even. I'll admit, if I hadn't been helped by one of the roleplayers there, I would've been more lost than I already was when I actually started playing and such. But someone decided to be nice and help me find a nice basis and such for my character Armalla, and I'm grateful still to the person who helped me; without her help, I probably wouldn't have stuck around and met lovely people through the sim.
    The people I care about know how they are, and since I'm rather tired, I'll avoid anything mushy :P But I'm glad to have met them, of course, how could I not? Really all of them I've known for almost the whole three years, though December yet has more meaning than August to me. Maybe that's why the three year mark snuck up on me like it did?
    In any case, three years that I'm glad for. Especially since I've been able to...expand and try to refine my roleplay, as well as get to know these people better; only a few select people (*coughs* three *coughs*), and even with that, one or tow I know better than the others. And then, of course, I started taking pictures in SL, too. Another little hobby to help me bid my time in this virtual world. Wonder how things will look next year, if at all similar to this one or not. Guess it's jsut a matter of waiting and seeing, since I don't see myself leaving SL anytime soon.

Wondering how many more years are to be added...

Fashion for Life and Layers of Anonymity

    First, a bit of random, and I blame the fact my brain seems to be not working at a hundred percent today, as well that I sort of fangirled over something I saw on a suscriber notice. (Swear I felt my mental gears just stop working for a few seconds earlier today when I'd been in the middle of a post. Hopefully sleep will end up remedying this.) But the random is that the Fashion for Life event started recently, and, if you're like me, you like to go peek at the builds of these events and fairs that crop up. The whole general theme of this event is transportation, which is represented in different ways on the different sims; so that should be interesting. Granted I've recently found I like better to look around these things not on my lonesome, so...we'll see how that goes. Likely will end up as another late night excursion, but shall see how that goes yet since I've yet to ask anyone anything. Okay, fine, one person because I don't know really anybody else I'd want to ask but still.
    Ehm, but the event does have the proceeds benefiting Relay for Life, so that's always a plus as cancer is not fun. It's actually a pretty widespread thing, when you think about it. Not good and something that will take a while to actually find cures for. Thankfully I don't know anyone who has truly had cancer affect them, the closest I've had to deal with is a brief thing with my dad and skin cancer which was caught really early so couldn't develop but so much. Taken care of, so all good there. But there's enough people who have had to see loved ones die form it and...it's never a good thing. Especially if you end up labeled as terminal. But there's always hope things will be made better for future generations. I highly doubt it'll be in my lifetime, or even the next generations, but who knows, right?
    When people design things for an event, and when it's benefiting something like this, they seem to do really well with the sims. Like the Fantasy Faire, for example. Gorgeous sims, good cause. And that has me more wanting to go look at the sims for this event sometime. I'm also going to leave this link here because it made me tear up a little (maybe it's just because of how I am it did, or maybe not, hard to tell) and because I just found it so very...amazing in its own right. Jewelry put together from beyond almost. Click here to read, if curious.

    Now, this half will contrast quite a bit with the first half, though it follows along the liens of creativity. So that's why there's a random picture above this; might replace it later when I'm awake enough to take a new, fitting pic and for a reason to play with a prop and pose pack from the Serafilms Labyrinth event. I'm also going to warn the following is a bit long, so...bare with me. If this wasn't on the very public internet and just a conversation with a friend, it would be longer. So count yourself lucky.
    But earlier today I was talking to someone and I mentioned my lack of creativity. See, that's the thing...I don't lack in creativity when it comes to small scale things, just larger, more than one or two people things. Currently I have Armalla in the middle of plotting something that just popped into my head during a rp the other day, and hopefully this idea will come to fruition soon since I'm kind of excited for it, even if it'll end awfully for her. I know, I'm an awful person for looking forward to such a thing, but...it'll be different, and fun in its own way. Like her being stuck with a demon was fun in its own way, so shall this be. One of those things that has you sit there, wondering just exactly how this'll work, basically. Anyhow, that's just one little example that isn't even really a matter of my having creativity, just that I can bullshit ideas off of other people's starting points. But, still, it's a small scale thing. If it involved more than two others, I would have not come up with that probably.
    Or, worse, I would have and not have said anything.
    What I think is my real problem, is that I come up with larger scale ideas from time to time, but I don't act on them because I'm afraid of someone correcting me, publicly or privately. More worried about the publicly bit, but either way it would have my confidence be shot. I know this is how I would feel from past experience.
    If anyone reading this has ever been a lead on a rp sim, then you know you're expected to come up with at least one idea, no matter if there are multiple leads or not; the others will come up with ideas and you'll kind of just...be in a corner if you don't. I love my corner, I love being under the radar, less drama that way, but sometimes being in a corner is a really bad thing. Really bad. I have small ideas come to mind from time to time, but I never say anything on them because I don't want to be doing something wrong and end up having to be corrected. I don't want to be corrected because I know my confidence will drop for a bit and I'll just feel plain stupid for thinking whatever the idea may be.
    I've played on the sim I'm on for a few years now, and I want to do something, but I'm too nervous to. I want to give, but there's nothing for me to with how rare my ideas really are. Now, ask me to decorate something, or take a picture, and I can do that...just...not come up with larger ideas that I feel confident enough in to speak up on it. Let alone just try slipping it in there without saying anything prior. As it is, there's a reason my character's magic stands as it is, and why she hardly uses it, and why I'm really, extremely careful when it comes to magic type posts when I'm around people who I am not comfortable with. Same reason why I don't put forth ideas when I have them if in relation to larger things.
    There are people who send notices on things that I could never dream of sending a notice on, because I'd be nervous and not want to be told to not do that or something else. And I'm just talking about the guild I'm one of the IC leads of, not the whole sim. Trying to work on it, though, so I don't feel like a dead weight.
     The real reason of my writing on this is because...I think it's something to do with how my own personal anonymity is lowered quite a bit when it comes to Cadair, the sim that's more or less like a home to me by this point. While SL is, as I've stated a few times before, a rather anonymous place, as is granted by the online world, once you've been in a place long enough, it's basically gone. This applies more to those who frequent roleplay sims, I think, since, if you stay long enough, your character (if you don't change characters every other week) and/or your avatar is more or less known by at least a few people. Granted, I'm more in the corner, like I've said, because of my own insecurities, but with others, admins aside, they are known. You know they are there. Whether you like it or not, they're there. Now, chances are if it's not liked they're there, then it's not for good reasons they're known, but still. One of my friends is known by a healthy amount of people because of all that she's done and organized and thought of; and I'm not even going to mention the fact she owns a fantasy shop which actually has some neat things. (Cue shameless advertising) I also have known Taeem since before he was an admin, and he did a lot before he was pushed up to admin, so you can bet people knew/know who he was/is.
    That is just two examples of people who aren't exactly anonymous anymore for good reasons.
    Yes, of course, you still can have your RL self hidden away behind the screen, but you still hold the potential to be known if you've been around someplace, and have actually done things, since you've been there. If you do things, you will loose a layer of that secretiveness. I never really thought of that as a possibility until today when I started thinking about how people I know are names pretty solidly associated with the sim, which leads to them being more in the spotlight and heard of. And the fact they are heard of...it's sort of like with celebrities, though to a lesser degree; you know of them, you might know a few things done, but you don't really know them until you interact with them. But, of course, on a roleplay sim chances are you did interact with them at some point. And no one is lining up for autographs from these known people. Like I said, a few differences, but similar in its own way.
    Thinking of anonymity as something with layers actually seems to be an accurate description. Only so many will get past certain layers, and depending on where you are and what you do, a layer or two may just be gone by default. Strangers get halted quickly. Acquaintances a bit further. Friends even deeper. Family and significant others even further, though friends may be on par with these two groups depending on how you are. Nothing is ever really one sided, or as simple as you'd like to think it, not even if the mysterious thing of being anonymous.

The Unexpected

    This is going to be short, but I have to say while it's still fresh in my head: I love when things are unexpected in roleplay. Of course it's better when I'm rping with someone who I'm comfortable with OOC, since that opens up a few more possibilities because of how I am, but still. I'm also counting myself lucky to often play with someone who manages to slip in the unexpected every now and again, not to mention just simply be a wonderful typist. But the main point is that the small surprises, the things that leave you wondering if that really just happened, are jsut one of the many things that makes roleplay so very worth it, at least if you ask me. I know I may not do much that is but so unexpected except for maybe a few isntances, but I don't claim to be anywhere near the pinnacle of roleplayers in the least. No where near it, trust me.
     Surprises in roleplay, just awesome. Deep, raw roleplay is wonderful, but so is the unexpected. To me it is like reading a book; the twists make the book so much more intriguing, even if they make you feel the need to re-read a paragraph or page to be certain something really just happened. As it is, right now I'm thinking of the various outcomes of what may happen because of something that happened today...and that's only what I can think of. And, of course, I'm thinking of various things that can happen tomorrow because of something that happened while I was away/asleep on Friday, but hopefully nothing too bad will come of that. Guess we'll see, but can hope for the best to preserve what sanity a certain character has, yes?
     But that's one of the things about roleplay, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, it can leave you on such a cliffhanger. Just sitting there, twiddling your thumbs while waiting to see what will come. For now, though, I need to get some sleep since I have at least one final on for tomorrow. Once I'm done with it, then I'll go back to my usual daydream of what may be mode.

Consequences

    Consequences. Life has them, yes? They word mostly has the connotation of being associated with bad happenings, but there can be good ones as well. Not the first thing to appear in most people's minds, perhaps, but they can be good at times. But I'm not so much wanting to write about the difference between the connotation and denotation of the word so much as various uses of this word.
    When it comes to the SL roleplay, dare I say, multiverse one of the main rules that's written basically everywhere is: IC actions, IC consequences. Or something similar to that if not that exactly. Now, of course OOC can get entangled at times, sometimes that can be good if it provides for a greater intensity, other times it leads to drama and people getting overly upset for your char insulting them or so. I'm talking about this because being someone who hates upsetting people I care about in RL, the possibility of ill consequences in roleplay leaves me at a sort of cliffhanger. At least it leaves me wondering and feeling kind of mopey for an hour or more, depending on the situation, afterward when it comes to roleplay with people who I connect with on an OOC level. If I don't know who you are, chances are I won't care that much and any of the IC feelings my character has will not translate to me for however temporary a time period. Usually, when something happens in RL/OOC with someone I care for, I can get rather stressed, probably the only thing that actually holds the potential to stress me out. So, as a result, i try to fix it however I can. i try to talk it out, try to get things smoothed enough that whatever guilt I have can be muffled, since it will never fully go away as I know I have upset someone I care for. I'm good with pretending things didn't happen, so that helps, too. And this one trait of mine, not the pretending things did not happen, seems to cross over to my main character; Armalla.
    The fact that follows her as well as myself, makes things...interesting and more like a book that just stops and you have to wait for some months for the next one to come out. (*waits impatiently for Silver Shadows to come out*) But, while I may only have to wait a day, it is different in the fact that there is a sort of connection there, to my character and the one who is usually involved in such situations. I am impatient and basically run thousands of scenarios through my head, wondering just which one will happen. I do that for a lot of things, but this is definitely one of those because it is a story, a cliffhanger, something that's just...having me bounce in place for the energy inside of me while I wait. And i know before anything even happens, Armalla will be thinking of hundreds upon hundreds of ways to fix whatever, even if not her fault directly.
     When it comes to consequences in roleplay, I don't like the bad ones. I don't like them because they make me feel bad for my character, the other character (which is really only ever the same one, he knows who he is,and I know he'll likely read this, too), and the other person. The other person because I know, at least when it comes to one person in particular, they have a certain connection to their character, too. So I just sit there like 'well, damn.' The current consequence that happened today has Malla stressing, and me wondering and feeling a bit bad. See, when it comes to these things, I know I'm like a little puppet master of sorts, but that I'm also only reacting, too. The current situation has to do with something that happened a while back and, while I didn't have to have any sort of consequence come from it, I did because it made sense. I didn't want to, because I knew that it could lead to two rather upset characters. And soon as I more or less made it official, sooner than I had originally planned to since I was still going back and forth on it, I felt bad. I wanted to hug Malla and, preemptively, hug Taeem, the other involved in this situation. I couldn't, but I wanted to. Of course I could have made it ten times worse, but I can't do that. Nope, I have to just do the bit that makes sense because of how long certain things went on and how often, too. I don't like it, but I had to go with what would probably happen if in RL. I feel awful for it, but it was a consequence that, to keep with sense and logic, more or less 'had' to happen.
    There are roleplayers who will not do anything whatsoever that could be thought of as 'bad'. They hate to 'lose'. They hate the possibility of their character not being all happy and peppy or however else they have planned. I'm not saying i try to play the victim, since people who want to always 'lose' are as bad as the ones who always want to 'win', but I don't care if Malla falls a few times. Okay, a lot if I'm honest with myself. A bunch of stuff has happened that has her so far from how she started that I sit and look back and am like 'well...that happened.' And it's not a bad thing, it's development. It seems to happen much quicker in roleplay than in RL, of course, but it still happens in RL none the less. I don't think it actually happens quicker in certain aspects, just it may be more noticeable. But if you look back tow or three years, are you truly the exact same person then as you are now? People seem to forget half the time that people change, and the things that make them fall can make them stronger in the long run. Maybe not always, but it holds potential.
    So I had to make a choice I did not like to make yesterday. I did it, because it was what I basically had 'planned' already. I knew there had to be some consequence because of something else that I didn't decide on so much as the roleplay decided for me, but I kept from the extreme because...well, because I couldn't do that. I couldn't do the extreme. While it isn't really known IC that the extreme didn't happen, I know and that assuages my guilt a little. I hate to do 'bad' things to my characters, whether in roleplay or my books, but sometimes the bad has to happen. It's like when people say 'it hurts me as much as you', the only difference being is that I mean it. I mean, it may not hurt to the same degree or for the same amount of time, but while I'm making whatever split second decision, it does. I'm strange like that, I guess, but I like to think it helps with my writing. I'm an emotional person, I'll admit that, so I think with them more than with logic.
    For any and all of the roleplayers who may read this, remember: always having things go how you plan, doesn't make for the better. Sometimes it's good to cry with your character as you breathe life into their words and actions. Sometimes the 'bad', can make the good seem so much better. I know that something else I have in mind will seem a whole lot brighter now that this 'bad' thing has happened. It would seem good enough without it, yes, but it'll mean more to the characters I do think.

Empathy

    I sometimes wonder just how many people feel a empathy with their characters in roleplay. I know I do, an if only because I've sat here before, crying and typing simultaneously. But crying not because I'm sad, but because I feel for the character, namely Armalla in this case since the other hasn't really been crying yet. Yet. But arguably she's more emotionally stable in certain aspects, so that's probably why. Still, I feel for these two: the married mother of two half-elf, and whichever incarnation of Ryleah. (I don't include Nevi in this because she's...a work in progress, i guess, being a child still.) I've always liked to think I have a decent empathy level and a higher emotional intelligence - both only assumptions except for the latter since recently - so that could have something to do with it, but I'm not sure. To really truly be able to type well for whoever you 'become' for however long, don't you have to connect on some sort of emotional level? After a certain roleplay ends...does it leave you feeling some sort of way for a short while? Like...if something ends a bit sad, do you feel melancholy? If it ends on a happy note, is there some sort of happiness in you? It works that way for me at least. And, yes, the reason I've got these thoughts is because of how I was left with something of a melancholy feeling today.

Shhh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't.

    Another reason for these thoughts is because I posted two pics on flickr and ended up easily putting the thoughts of the two chars pictured as the 'description'. Eve when I'm not typing for whoever, I can still flip a switch and have their thoughts. Is that weird? Am I the only one with that simple chamber in my brain labeled with their names? It's as easy as if I were to open a door to a room called 'Armalla' and another 'Ryleah'. Weird or are their others?
    Maybe it's because I have the mind of a writer (even though I haven't finished writing any story 'cause I get too many ideas and have to write whatever down, even if it's totally unrelated and a different story all together) and that's why I am able to just think their thoughts? It only takes me but a second to think of what Ry might be thinking around this moment or just after her day's end. Then for Malla, even though i didn't play as her today, doesn't take long either. It makes more sense for Malla since I've been playing as her for a couple years now, and Ry...well...I can't explain the ease with which she comes. Like I said, maybe it's just because I have a creative mind? or it is falling into the empathy? I think maybe more so the empathy since if you understand someone's emotions, you can guess at their thinking, their motives. Maybe it's all only to an extent, but it makes sense doesn't it? If you can feel a strong sort of empathy towards someone, you can understand them; that goes for roleplay characters, too.
    I know, I know, 'they're not real' 'they don't feel', but don't they to an extent? Maybe it's something that could be easily wiped away if you as the typist chose for it to be...but don't they yet have feelings? Maybe not like the real person typing for them, but there's still some form of it. Does whatever character you have react jsut as you would in a situation? I know sure as hell Malla cries more openly than I do plus other issues. Ry on the other hand...apathy seems to be her defense mechanism, so I can relate on that note, but...she's still more open and outgoing than I am. I think she might also feel more fiercely than I do, which is a scary thought since I thought that when I feel strongly for something/someone, I feel strongly for it/them...but that's still a 'we shall see' thing.
    Okay, maybe I'm crazy, but this is how I see it. When it comes down to it, if you can empathize with your character, it'll work wonderfully...if have you unable to see your keyboard. But it certainly gives more to whatever experience, sad or otherwise, and I like it. Crazy or not, I'm all for it.

Just wait a bit longer.

How real is it?

    I feel thoughtful today. I don't know why, just am and my thoughts have meandered to what is SL really? People put in their profiles all the time that SL and RL are two separate entities, and others put that SL is ingrained into their RL. So, which is right? Is one right and the other wrong? I guess it really depends how you present yourself in this virtual world. Is your pixel self you reflected? Or are the pixels just that, pixels? Are you honest to people you consider friends? Or is it all an act? How much do you divulge?
    Personally I think that, unless every last thing you type is a lie, you cannot completely separate yourself from your pixels. Feelings are real, even if the medium used for them is virtual. The friends you make can be as real and lasting as well as just as backstabby. Sure, SL time seems to move so differently than RL somehow, but it still is real.
    Do your pixels look like you? If yes, how much? Is this avatar your fantasy? Why do you have him/her look like they do?
    Then there's roleplay. Where are your lines? How bold are your lines? How bold are the lines other people draw? The person your character is married to, do both of you only play the love or is some of it real? Is that IC/OOC border more vague for you than the other? Vice versa? Where does the role start and end? Do you wish that you could truly have a relationship with the person, SL-wise or RL-wise, instead of just roleplaying one? Is there truth to what you play on your own and with others?
    So many questions to ask and think on when it comes to SL and how involved you are in it. So much is just...just...confusing if you think deeply. And what makes it all the worse is how some people don't want to admit some things to themselves that, if asked any of these questions, all the answers may be lies that they think truth.
    All of these questions? I don't know all of what my answers would be. It's freezing out, I have snugly pajamas and blanket...think I'm going to spend time on pondering them for myself.

Is it the dream we hold firmly onto come morning? 

Really Don't Understand Some People

    So often people can act like they know everything and treat everything as a power game. It is rather upsetting, especially when the ones who end up pulled into those games are either yourself or someone you care for. When people act as if they know everything, generally their way of talking (or typing in SL's case) is very uppity and obnoxious. Some people may actually think these people funny when they are, in fact, insulting them and trying to hide it as a 'joke'. Personally, I'm not sure who of the two I would want to hit over the head with a shovel more. Some people are just so pretentious it isn't funny. Then these people get all pissy if you say 'okay, you need to stop being an ass' or something in nicer terms. Not to mention if you dare suggest they are wrong. They always, always, always must be right. If they are proven wrong, they storm off, only to come back later and have it all happen again. As for friends? They're only friends with people who think exactly how they do and agree all. the. time. I don't get it. I like it when friends don't always agree with my thoughts and ideas, it proves they can think! Do they just want 'friends' who don't think for themselves? Probably, sadly.
    Then there are the ones who play for power. This may not be as often in the whole of SL as much as roleplay places, I cannot say for sure, but the latter place has it too often. I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry when i see these people trying to work their way into some 'power' position or make 'powerful' friends. It is honestly sickening. As I said, I'm mainly going off of how roleplay places can be. Thankfully I'm more in the background as well as a woman in both avatar and RL. It seems most often it is women-avis going after more incharge men-avis, but that is not to say men-avis are entirely free of going after higher up women-avis; that just seems to be less often. But the ones who go after these people...they will ignore all others around possibly, do something dramatic to gain attention, bother someone in IM when it should be clear they are thinking 'fuck off'. I...I don't know how some people handle these people peacefully. Without even thinking, I know I would be likely to just straight up tell them to go put something somewhere, but others? Others somehow manage to just deal with it and vent to someone about someone else's stupidity.
    I really don't know how people think that being so clingy and obvious is the way to get you friends (or more) with someone in 'power'. Do they honestly think they'll manage to get status by acting like they do? Why not just have fun? Roleplay is for fun, not power. And if this does actually happen elsewhere than just roleplay sims...that's...just all the more sad. I cannot quiet explain how it is more sad, since words fail me now, but it is.
    Why this rant? I'm logged in and watching OOC (out-of-character) chat for the roleplay sim I'm in. I want to beat people with shovels, but, instead, I'm blogging. Isn't that nice of me to bother any readers instead of going shovel crazy? :P
    But, out of curiosity, whoever is here reading this, do you have any insight to this? If you do, please dear gods share, because I just have no clue what goes through either of the type of people's minds and I would just love to understand.